Construction after the Destruction: 2016

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Construction after the Destruction: A penny for your thoughts

Construction after the Destruction: A penny for your thoughts: We recently visited the local dentist and my daughter received a calendar with a AM/PM check box to encourage brushing twice a day. She is ...

A penny for your thoughts

We recently visited the local dentist and my daughter received a calendar with a AM/PM check box to encourage brushing twice a day. She is so excited about this chart. Why have I not thought of a chart like this one before for potty training? She is five and still wearing a pull up. She is joy and love and so much more but mostly, she is set apart. I am not sure why she has not mastered this. I decided not to talk about it for a while. Then it hit me, the chart and maybe money. Sadly, money motivates everyone.

I started giving her a quarter each night she does not pee in her nightly protection. This was a spark. We are getting ready for a garage sale this next weekend and we have received so many donations that tons of things her age are falling out of boxes. She picked up a Vera Bradley wallet donated by one of my closest friends. She said, Mama? Can I please keep this wallet for my quarters. Knowing she doesn't know the value of it I said, sure baby. You can keep it. Why not?

Anyways, this brings me to my point. As I am disinfecting our home today from an illness I find her little wallet. I open it up and sure enough there sits her little quarter. I found the change lying around the house and put it in her wallet for when she returns she will see that Mama gave her more than she had earned.

I started weeping because the love is unconditional from our Father in Heaven as well. How much more does he bless when we bring our little? I wanted to bless my baby's wallet and make her $0.25 $1.00. If we give our best he is going to bless and multiply it. I just know it to be true and I wanted to share with you that. If you as a mother or father, do such blessings for your children here on earth, how much more do you think our eternal father wants to bless us with? Just a penny for your thoughts.

Friday, March 4, 2016

How Much Longer

I want to share with you a specific sermon message from some time ago. This particular message I took notes on the back of a contract for a "lease to own" refrigerator after moving into a home that did not have one. Silly me told the renters moving into our dream home we would leave our super nice refrigerator for them to use since we had double checked to make sure the home we were moving into had one. Can I just say that in this life, I have learned every lesson the hard way. I mean seriously. I find this sermon message so ironically funny today because I remember that day. I remember that Sunday not having my journal and if you know me you know this girl got journals coming out my ear. It was as if God wanted me to find it the day I had a breakthrough.

Well, I am a slow learner but we have been doing this Dave Ramsey, Total Money Makeover challenge because, well...we broke and don't know why but God has moved us into a season where we are to learn from. Anyways, going through all the "bills and debts" and money we owe I find this contract. Apparently, it was the only thing this sister had to write with at church that Sunday. How many of you know God got direct messages if we only listen. He was telling me then....(August) but I didn't hear him because I was so stinking focused on the problem at hand. See, I think God focuses more on our eternal problems and not temporary problems. Oh, I was so mad that day that I couldn't find my journal. So this message comes from my notes from which I took from Mark Green, our dearest pastor at Community Center Worship in Denton, TX. You can find this series called, Planted at this link: http://www.cwcdenton.com/denton/welcome

Storms do not last

This too shall pass * In due season. Wow! I heard this too shall pass and decided I was exempt. I left off the part of me listening where he said, IN DUE SEASON. :)

** Stay in the boat** Do not get weary while doing. Seasons of rest do not happen in the middle of the storm. (Keep Vigilant). Galatians 6:9. In due season, we shall reap if we do not lose heart. I do not understand the circumstances but I trust God will heal me. **

* Surround yourself with people who will not let you jump ship. We need people who are bold enough to tell you the truth.

Blessed are those who come in the name of the Lord. Listen to your eternal friends. Who cares what your "earthly people" think. They are not running an eternal race like you are. I cannot tell you how many people have stepped in the most difficult situations and spoke real truths to me during this season. It is deep and personal so I do not want to share details but know that they were very hard for these people to come and tell me what I did NOT want to hear, the truth. But because they love me and plan on seeing me in Heaven, they spoke HARD truths to me. I will forever be grateful for these friends.

How Much Longer/ Are we there yet..........................................................(UGH)

Spiritual disciplines is what you do in the meantime while you are waiting on your pathway to destiny. (In the meantime, as many have said). In the meantime, eternal battles are being won on your behalf. Don't jump ship.

PEACE, BE STILL

In Mark 5:1 (THEN)

Mark 6: Another Storm- Jesus sent them away while he went away to pray for them.

Jesus walked on water in 6:45-51 Be of good cheer! It is I, do not be afraid. For they did not understand what was happening because their hearts were hardened. The good news is they still survived the storm even though their hearts were not in the right place.

I have a friend named Alexis whom I have been a peer to; a mentor and cannot tell you how many times I have been there for her, in the middle of my crazy. I have even gone as far as to hurt her. How many of you know that the people whom look to you the most are going to be damaged by you the most in that moment of outrage. Grace won our hearts back together. I love her to pieces and I know that if our friendship was not built on a solid rock we wouldn't be friends today because my heart was hardened in a moment of weakness.

***Um...the bible may be a good survival tool but like any other dictionary it only states the facts and can be used in many ways which is why if you never read the bible it doesn't come alive to you (hence the HOLY part)...So you can believe whatever person who knows the bible about this or that but until you get on your knees and read it yourself you still going to be lost. I am. I am lost daily without DAILY getting my word or bread and whatever you choose to call it. God wants a relationship with YOU, not your BFF. Read and spend time with him and trust when I say how inconvenient it will be.

NOT A VENDING MACHINE.

We do not get to punch the prayers out or in and demand this and that from God. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. That's it. Read for yourself. He says, I AM.

Stay faithful.

The bible does not record how long the THEN, or the MEANTIME. So stay faithful. Jesus was a working man (carpenter) from the age of 12-30 years old then he went out on mission.

So, in the meantime stay faithful. Remember, Jesus hand picked us from eternity for such a time as this.

The disciples stayed in the boat, stay in the house; stay in the chruch. Celebrate that you aren't who you use to be and when you need to rest and trust the captain. Remember the one who got us in the boat in the first place. What is before you seems bleek.

Sermon:
http://www.cwcdenton.com/denton/welcome

Jewerly Created:
https://www.etsy.com/listing/270978912/tell-your-heart-to-beat-again-silver?ref=shop_home_active_1

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Take it away | Song written by: Stephanie McElroy

“Take it Away”

By: Stephanie McElroy

Take it all; take it away

Breathe in me life; have your way.

Come fall over me; make me brand new.

Cleanse of my sins, Lord I need you.

Please call out my name!

Would you call out my name?

I hear you calling…..me out of this grave.

Take it all, take it away

I can no longer live; quite this way.

Would you transform my heart?

I give you my all, not just one part!

Please call out my name!

Would you call out my name?

I hear you calling…..me out of this grave.

I sent you my son; he died for your sins.

Surrender is precious; now your life begins.

Sing a new song; love me lifelong.

In all that you do, I see none of your wrongs.

Will you answer my call?

Believe me in all?

Do you believe…..in all that you saw?

Take me away; eternity waits.

Now you may enter my Kingdom gates.

You believed in my son; the one true way;

Because you believe; you’ll be saved on this day.

Take it all; take it away

I hear you calling; me out of this grave.

Friday, February 5, 2016

FREE 99

Do you know someone in need of unconditional love? A dose of compassion? Life after destruction? Do you know a friend who has been beat down by the adversaries in life? Heel Lilies wants to send you or your friend on a weekend of thier lifetime. (Read below) This weekend is dedicated to jumpstarting the dead heart. I think of it like CPR for the walking dead. You will leave reborn, transformed and beloved. Please send information as to who and why you think someone you know needs to attend. We will be sponsoring up to 5 girls this year. I have PERSONALLY attended this retreat and it changed my life. Your world will never be the same. Most importantly, your heart will never be the same. I will be sponsoring as many girls as I can. If you know someone in need please let me know. Trasportation to the retreat WILL be applicants responsibility. However, if I am able I will help. Please do not miss this if you are wanting to come and feel a calling to come, please message me. I know a team of people that would probably help me get you here. DO not miss out on this healing weekend. Get ready to fall in love.

Here is the link to the application:
http://hhdministries.com/retreats_and_applications2.php

Please email applications to:
customerservice@heellilies.jewelry

Location of the retreat is in Waka, TX (middle of nowhere N. TX)
Deadline is April 5th (our deadline)
Normal cost is $200 (we are sponsoring some VIP fans this year)

Preparations are underway for this year's "Your Bridegroom Awaits!" Retreat coming in May.
Ladies, start now by putting in time off requests, find babysitters, save your registration money, etc, as our ministry team begins to cover you with prayers as you prepare for this life changing weekend!
Men, this is an incredible gift to give that special lady in your life. A weekend just for her. (Give the paid registration to her on Valentine's Day if you're looking for a special & unique gift) It's a weekend to remember as she gets time away to be refreshed, to fellowship with other ladies and is lavished with the love of Jesus Christ.
Go to www.hhdministries.com for more information 💕

To my children's future step mom

There’s something different about your smile.

The kind that tells me you’ll be around for a while.

Today, I find myself thinking, she may be “the one.”

I share my name, “mom”, with my daughter and sons.

So I’ll let you in on a few of my tricks.

The things I do when my babies are sick.

Hot chamomile tea with lots of honey

Wins a place to their hearts; dry nose or runny.

Brayden’s most favorite is tomato soup;

Be sure to use milk, that’s the secret scoop.

Kam means business if he says, “I think I’m sick;”

It’s usually at the worst exit but pull over quick.

Ady Jane, will bring you so much joy;

Shoes, polish & clothes over every toy.

She’ll beg you to rub her arms at night;

Do it soft and gentle to ensure it’s done right.

“Baby Love,” I sing loudly on a regular basis.

If you ever find yourself in one of those places.

Pinch their knees while saying, “Get the Ham-hocks!”

If they need a pick me up; or they’re ever in shock.

Stay right with the Lord and read to them scriptures;

Keep my bible, journals and show them my pictures.

If you’re ever in a sour place; or in need to make bad days great;

Pull through a carwash yelling; start freaking out; at any rate

As the tri-foam covers the car; & you can't see out;

Get down & whisper, “They’re coming!” then you jump and shout;

“THE ZOMBIES ARE GETTING US; THEY’RE ON OUR CAR!”

Act silly; go crazy; be fun & smile; you’ve made it this far.

When you find yourself not knowing what to say;

Promise me, you’ll stop! Be still; find a way to pray.

I give you my blessings to love them as yours;

Let's work together; promise not to keep any scores.

I'll share them with you; these treasures of mine.

If you promise to love them til' the end of your time.

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

The unbreakable warrior

If you are reading this get ready to cry. You are not only about to hear all the dirty details of my personal life but you are going to hear a story of some crazy faith mixed with amazing grace, shaken by the hands of God and delivered through sanctification. This is the “good stuff.” This is my story. This one right here goes out to everyone who has been lied to and deceived by the evil and un-original, stupid, prince of disaster/darkness, aka- the devil himself. This is proof that light cannot be overtaken by the darkness. It’s impossible. Try it! Seriously. It can’t.

About a year ago, we just moved into our dream house (7 bedroom/ 4000 sq. ft. home); like every girl wants this home kind of house with those kind of decorations and fluff. We had just purchased our third car because it was “good on gas” and I needed it just to drive to Plano. I mean, in my head we were wealthy enough to pull this off, I mean it will pay for itself anyways, right? I mean after-all I was spending so much on gas driving my brand new suburban to Plano. Don’t get me started on the “wear and tear” that this was going to cause. See, we were set. I had just received an inheritance from my divorce that was a pretty nice chunk of change that I was able to start a business with. I did it right, you know, I didn’t just blow it. I invested it (this is my fleshly and corrupt, thought-process- we will get to this unhealthy process in a minute). Plus, I was working with my best friend and we were going to start a store in Dallas together combining my shop with hers and it was like super good stuff. I was set (financially) and the family…oh how wonderful this was. My boyfriend (yes boyfriend, well we weren’t married because…wait for it…well we couldn’t because I was still married). But…My BOYFRIEND’s ex-wife, the one everyone said was impossible to deal with and like, she crazy, don’t mess with her kind of girl…well we had become friends and I introduced her to my best friend. She could take pictures and stuff for our new business plan. She was taking pictures for (boss) and this and that and life was good. People everywhere be like, “what did you do to (ex-wife)? She let us talk to the kids at the school program. I be like, (well I am just that good, in my head). …”I dunno…maybe she just changed…. So, life is good we have it all, and it is Christmas season and we are in the industry that is prime for this time. (Truly, I was a slave to that and forgot what Christmas was even about. I got so lost in working I don’t even know if I looked up to notice my kids). But life was good. Right? Right?

In January, I was fired by my best friend/boss/business partner whom this name cannot be released yet (she is still writing her story). About this time things were going so good (how many of you know when things are going good the devil be up to some no good)? If you haven’t learned that yet you are lucky. Lucky for you to be reading this story so you can expose the enemy when he heads over to yo’ house because he didn’t wreck this house.

Anyways, back to my story. So, since we were getting so much money in my settlement and I basically had two jobs and lots of zeros in my bank account we used our credit cards. Like, a lot. Like….we wanted to build my credit up by adding my name to all of Aaron’s good credit. (Poor Aaron) Like… for real. We were set, what hurt could it be to use them just a little? Did you hear the bank say you needed to use all your credit cards because it’s bad to have all that credit and not use it? Well, I sure heard it. Add my name to all your credit cards. Well, like I said we had every cool thing in our house. Like our kids had so many Christmas presents to open that they got bored opening them. Like, I still find them in the closet in the boxes and it ticks me off and I throw them away out of rage, and stuff. Like, that kind of many presents. When we got done opening presents we are taking them and all their friends to an indoor water park and to east Texas to see a star show. (For real? Like you got to see some stars? No, we didn’t get to see the stupid stars, it snowed and they couldn’t open the telescopes. But I have the pictures of the trip and it was my step-daughter's dream since like first grade so we are going to do it because we are so well off). So, we were (at this point) not in debt to the credit cards so much. We were still able to pay them off each month. So, like I said we were just building my credit. But then, I lost my job we had all these bills and I just spent pretty much all of our money on stupid stuff and investing it into my business. There was hope right? You have a business. Just keep up the hard work and work and work and work and work.

This best friend of mine after she fired me went to the ex-wife and offered to her to continue taking pictures of (step-daughter) and she would pay her and (step-daughter) . This lit me on fire. It sent me through the roof. How dare her? Ugh!! Not under my watch. Right! Pay attention. Pay attention because this next part is where I gave total control to the devil himself. If you are a believer you know where I am going with this, if not you just might be after I am finished telling my story. In the middle of my crisis (…help is on the way? No, stupid, Satan is because you invited him in. The door was wide open while you were living in sin with your boyfriend, still married, acting a fool with debt, like you didn’t really need to send him an invitation…he was like your right hand in this circus). In the middle of my crisis I gave in to anger, greed, malice, envy, wrath, doubt, fear…you name it. I wore it. I wore it well. I went to hell and back wearing it with the mark of death on my forehead. That ex-wife, well she dang sure wasn’t my friend anymore. Man, everyone was right. They warned me. So, I justified most of my circumstances on that and I threw myself a justified & dummy glorified pity party almost every day. The fear was so immense that I was paralyzed to my house. I was rejected by (at this time) everyone in Aaron’s family. They were so mad that he bought a house with me and I was still married. Seriously, who does that? They just don’t know how much we love each other. See, our story is different because we met on POF (Plenty of Fish) and our profiles both said something about God, so we are different and we are like the exception to the rule and that part of the bible didn’t apply to us because we might as well be married anyway. Right? Right? Wrong. Anyways, back to my story.

Meanwhile, back in reality God still had a plan for me. You couldn’t see it working because I was running (I was a really good runner). I forgot that on May 6, 2013 I was born again and had been on mission for God. I had started this ministry that is known today as the “Unbreakable Warrior” it wasn’t anything back then. Well, it was but I didn’t know it. I totally forgot that God delivered me and straight up sent me a real life angel. Like a real one. The one who I thought was a witch because she told me some really crazy things that really did happen that freaked me out and (God should really caution you before sending a real angel) I seriously thought she was a witch. I will never forget the day I finally went to her house. Pay attention. Pay attention. This is where I surrendered my life to Christ.

It was a really dark and gloomy day. See my husband had been locked up in the mental hospital because he pulled a shot-gun out in front of me and my kids and was going to kill him-self. That is a whole separate chapter and I am seriously trying to stay focused but it’s very important to know this very critical detail. So my husband was locked up for trying to kill himself. The family all blamed me. After all, I was the one who committed adultery (like the first time…stay with me). I will never forget the day I had to call his mom. I was in shambles so afraid to tell her that her son had been addicted to pain pills for 10 years and in the moment I was going to leave him he tried to kill himself…and this is going to sound really crazy because we were the ideal church family. We were serving in ministry with kids and stuff. We didn’t miss church. Ever. Like we were the cute ones in all the pictures dressed up like superheroes and stuff. Like, we were for-real Christians. Our Facebook was the picture-perfect, ideal cute military family out going to church and stuff. Don’t forget, I WAS the administrator of a really big company and so successful. Our life is perfect, in the eyes of our parents. See, we could hide everything from them, everyone really, because we were in the military and we didn’t see anyone too much. Mainly just on Thanksgiving and Christmas. As my pastor said once, the CEO holidays, Christmas & Easter only. Except we were different, we went to church faithfully but we only saw family on those holidays.

So, I call his mom to tell her that her perfect, heroic son was in the mental hospital for almost killing himself. When the cops came they only found 5 shot-gun shells in the house (We were a family of five). She says to me, “Of course he did, you cheated on him.” Actually, truth be told. I do not remember if it was her or his dad who finally answered the phone but I will never forget what they said that day. To make that super really long story shorter, I was diagnosed later on with PTSD.

So back to this very dark and gloomy day… I was alone and dark and crippled by my own poor decisions. Everything was starting to backfire in my face. See, the guy I committed adultery with was one of our physicians at this very big administrator, successful job that I was a slave to… while destroying my family and not knowing it. I invited in Satan (man, pay attention where he shows up). I was a slave to my career. I am going to go ahead and spoil this. Anywhere that you give glory above God to (Idolatry) will be and let me say it ONE more time, “WILL BE TAKEN FROM YOU.” I was a slave to my job and one night I was tired of being rejected. It was really my husband’s fault, right? It really was. He was the one who was wrong not me. He was the drug addict. I was the victim. Poor me. It was a very hard 7 years being married to a drug addict. He never wanted to have sex with me because he was always high. He was killing my joy, stealing my soul, and destroying my life. (Satan, not my husband… stay focused on the real enemy).

So this very dark and gloomy day I was about to kill myself. I knew how to do it right. I was in the medical field for so long and had so much knowledge. I was super smart, remember? This part is really emotional, I am sorry for everyone who has ever suffered through this. It is a very real problem in our world. The holy-spirit stopped me. I was given a vision of my brother in law when he killed himself and how awful it was for his dad to find him. All I can say is this. I had enough heart left in me that I did not want my kids to come down-stairs and find their mommy dead after going through watching their father do it and missing from their life right now because he was still in the mental hospital. I could do it to myself but I couldn’t do it to them.

I suddenly remembered this crazy lady who had come to me the year before and told me some crazy stuff was going to happen but not to worry because God had sent her to Jacksonville to pray for me. She would send me random messages at the most inopportune times about wanting to meet me. Like, the day Adam tried to take his life, she would send messages like, I am praying for you. For real? Don’t do that because my life is going to hell in a hand-basket. Stop praying lady. Then, I would never even respond because I thought she was weird and this crazy witch lady and why on earth would she be praying for some stranger. Anyways, she probably was trying to sell me something (Fleshly, thought-process). Suddenly, I remembered this crazy witch lady. I seriously had no one.

Here I am all alone far away from family and far out of touch with reality. So, out of hopelessness I texted her and asked if we could have lunch. See, I didn’t know this at the time but God did. He knew that if he didn’t interject at that moment that the next week when I was fired at my job that I would seriously have taken my life. I almost did this night. In that frame of mind fast forward to the next week losing my job and without a doubt, in that mind-frame, I would have done it. God knew. He knew right where I was and he was willing to meet me. Right where I was. In the bathroom floor with my head buried on the cold, tile floor. I was laying there about to take my life and God gave me a vision. A vision of reality. A vision of what this very thing would do to my kids. (Not here on earth but for eternity). So, the next day I called this crazy witch lady. Get this. Her house was next door to my office of my job. (I know right).

Anyways, I texted Adam because if some crazy witch lady was going to kill me I wanted someone to know where I was. My text said this. “Hey, I am meeting up with that really weird witch lady and this is her address in case she kills me.” In my head, she was going to sacrifice me to something. LOL, anyways, I pull up to her house and it was like an A frame house. The one that looks like a triangle. I was like, yep. She a witch. I didn’t care though. I wanted to die so we were all good. If she did it then it was murder and I wasn’t committing suicide and everyone wins. (Fleshly, thought-process). So, I walk in the door and there hung this sign in witch language that said, “Belletores.” Yep, she a witch. So, some really weird stuff was on her wall like, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I will never forget this moment. It was the most precious moment in my life.

It was, May 6, 2013 at 12:33ish pm. I sat down at this witch table and started confessing my sins to her. I was telling this weird stranger everything I had done wrong. I had no idea why but it felt so good to tell someone how jacked-up I was. I told her everything. Like everything. I was crying and (well pretty much in perfect peace kind of tears though…the kind I get when the holy-spirit comes over me..) telling her this stuff about me. She looked at me, very calmly and said, “Never again be bound to the yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1). She knew I was coming so she already had this thing printed for me and lunch and everything. She is my personal angel sent to me from God himself in the middle of complete and total destruction. He knew I had absolutely nobody in my life that could possible know I was that dark. He knew that I had shut myself out of the world and completely isolated myself from anything that could detect a bit of darkness in me. Nobody knew I was this dark. God knew. He knew that if he didn’t send me a guardian angel I would take my life that week. He knew the plans that Satan had for me. He knew that if Satan could convince me to take my life that I would. I was weak. God made me new that day. He poured out mercy on me and it reigned in my life. He replaced my sorrows with visions of healing those who were struggling with co-dependency and PTSD. He replaced my dream of being a doctor with a dream of being a doctor of the souls. He brought me back to life. This is the day I started living my life again.

Okay, so fast forward, again. God had already told me his plan for me. He gave me these visions of fireflies and confirmed I was to go to Texas. He told me this was going to be an incredible journey and I would not be overtaken. He told me that I was free. I was to go in the world and be a light. He told me so much. He gave me the scripture that I use in my business today. “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promise land” (Hebrews 11: 8-9).

What happened? I know, right? Well, I got to Texas and got really confused. I quit reading my bible and spending time with God. Those women I was ministering to in Florida were still in Florida. I was lonely. I was a single mom living with my mom and I needed someone. Something. Stupid. I started joining these online dating websites like POF and this and that. I was so desperate for attention. I was lonely. I met this guy on POF who had this stupid picture (it was really bad) and he said, “I want someone who is going to make me a better person and walk closer to God,” or something. Something like that. I was thinking, he must be the one. He used God in his profile. We started dating. The first date should have been a big sign that we were so stupid. If I had to pick up all the red flags that were thrown at me in the past year there would not be a piece of red cloth left anywhere in the state of Texas. We moved in together that night. Like, on our first date. I know right. We were in love. How cute. We were cute. We had six kids together. Aww. The Brady Bunch. How cute. We bought a house the next month. We ended up right in the middle of this town that just so happened to be about 35 miles from Denton. My aunt called me up one day and said, “Hey, we are coming to launch a church and I think it’s pretty close to where you live and we need some help passing out fliers.” I’m like sure we got lots of hands. We take up an entire suburban. Sure. We can help. I guess.

This very weekend was the weekend I got fired. Happenstance? I think not. I remember being so angry with the church and people who were from church because of the pain I was in. I was down-right mad at Aaron’s church who might as well put a big “A” sign on my forehead. His, xyz church and family completely judged me. His family disowned us all together. We quit going to his church. His friend was told by his brother at a ball-game when Aaron didn’t come one night that I was married. It was like our big secret. Once this xyz church friend found out he made it his mission to throw stones at us. He should have just sent me straight to hell. I was going there anyway in his eyes. Do not get me started on Christian people. So I was so mad at church and this and that and I got fired. I was so mad at everyone. My cute and sweet (favorite) aunt wants us to come pass out fliers for a new church. How convenient. If she had been any other aunt it would have been a NO. I just couldn’t tell her no. We walked around Denton all day. That night at Mark & Becky Green’s house we realized that we were being called to be part of this amazing church. I felt the anointing that Pastor Mark had on him the moment he started speaking. My heart melted. My pain drifted and my circumstances started to disappear. We went home that day feeling hopeful. For the first time in a long time we felt like we could do this thing.

This is where I am hand delivered into my “promise-land” in the middle of Satan’s attempt to take me out. I just didn’t know. I didn’t know that I had arrived because I was held captive to my thought process. I didn’t know that I hadn’t fully surrendered my life to Christ. I did though. I did a long time ago. Like, a 100 times I did. I didn’t know anything really. I hadn’t learned to start living. I was still making circles (I am really good at this too).

So meanwhile, back on earth some things are really hitting the fan now with circumstance after circumstance. Satan knows that if he can keep you in bondage with bitterness and un-forgiveness that he will keep you from flourishing in the house of God. He cannot have you (if you are saved- we will get to that in a minute) but he can keep you from living a peaceful life here on earth. Once you accept Christ in your heart as your personal savior you may as well changed that big A to a big X. Like a target that is glowing, running in circles, and leaving the doors open to attack. So, we started going to this church and I remembered that vision God had given me about this ministry I was to start. I knew we needed to get right with everything but you cannot file for divorce until you are a resident in a state for 6 months. Period. You really cannot do it legally. So, here we are trying to live right and get our heaping mess straight. We seriously thought we were in big trouble. I knew all the things the bible said about adultery, but remember, I thought I was like exempted or something. Plus, I was really smart and God knew my heart. I had the best of intentions so I was good. Right? Wrong. Things started to get worse. Yes, worse. The more we tried to get involved with this church and start living right the more chaos raged.

Things got really bad.

The last time I remember my step daughter coming over to our house was Easter. My pride and foolish ways of this stupid war with (ex-boss/best friend) and modeling for my business vs. modeling for her business. I think I said something like, “Get your f…ing kids out of my house.” Or something like that. They of course heard this and went home and told there mom. It was actually worse than that. I left and caused a really big scene. All because I was so mad. In fact, the week before I told Madison if she was my daughter I would slap her in the face. All because she said, we were not her family and she didn’t want to see pictures of me and my kids. It hurt. It hurt because we had a bond. We had become pretty close. We were actually talking and we were building an eternal relationship. I got her involved in the church and she got to meet some other girls at church who were speaking life into her. See, the past October she had some bullying at school that really rocked her. She opened up to me. We talked about a lot of things. We were working through this yucky stuff. I mentioned this at the time to my boss/best friend how much I wanted to build Maddy up, and boss/friend said, yeah we are going to make her famous. We got ex-wife to take the pictures because she was a photographer. I introduced them. I started it. This had gotten really out of hand though. I took the purpose of the pictures and made it about me. I was offended. I was mad. I was angry. How dare her take pictures for ex-boss now, after all of this. I put her in the middle of my problems. How dare her do this very thing. I was so hurt by this. I used this very painful thing to justify my comments and anger and rage towards her. It was not my fault. I was the victim (fleshly thought process). I said things that were condescending and superficial without a meaning. I was really a big disaster. Never once did I stop and think about how much I hurt her. It was all about poor me.

A conversation at school brought to light a very real and big, hard part of my story. This moment is when I started fighting for eternal problems. Our dear and sweet boy, “my bug” came and told us he wanted to be a girl. He was convinced that he was supposed to be a girl. This one really freaked me out. We started preaching to him. We started reading the bible to him. We shared every single scripture with him about what the bible says about this. I am not ashamed that we did that. I think we could have handled it differently but I will not say that I regret doing that. In our attempt to preach to my “bug” we realized it was very difficult to witness to him while we were like the main issue in the bible saying do not do this. We were living in adultery. Do you know how hard it is to witness to someone while you are wrapped up in sin? You can’t. Not really. You may a little bit there is hope. Anyways, we decided that we were drawing a line in the sand. We confessed our sins, we made things right. Aaron was going to go live with his mom until we got married so we could be holy and you know…not live in sin. It was super hard anyways to process this idea so actually going through with is was even worse. We did though. He went to his mom’s house. The next day she asked him why he had to stay with her and I got to live in the house he paid for. It broke us. I was so hurt. I was so angry. We attempted to do it. That day, for some really weird and strange reason my “bug” wanted to come over. We had been pouring out these scriptures to him and none of the kids wanted to come over anymore. We were, desperate. We didn’t know what to do so in our attempt to control the hour long phone conversations with positive and truth, we started speaking God’s word from our end of the phone. While we were incredibly attacked, those kids were listening. I don’t care what anyone says. They were listening. We were sowing seeds. We were sowing. We were sowing in the middle of the desert drought. We sowed anyways, despite the circumstances.

We sowed.

So when I say for some strange reason my “bug” wanted to come over it’s because at this time they wanted nothing to do with us. He was the only one who came that day. I was so angry and in pain that I was going to pack my bags and leave if Aaron brought him in our home. I didn’t want to deal with the pain. I was hurting. I was hurting mentally, emotionally, physically, and I was so broken. I was sitting in the bath tub and God just laid it on my heart. Boldly. How many of you know when you hear from God it’s almost like he is standing there in your face. He was. He told me that day it wasn’t about me. Thankfully, Aaron didn’t listen to me and he brought my “bug” over anyways and this all happened so fast. My change of heart. Like one minute I was packing my bag and the next I made it my personal mission to speak life into my “bug.” I said to him this. I think this is the day God won his heart. It was really God, not me. I didn’t say it. I was just being obedient because I had just heard from God. I said, “If you deny me here on earth, I will deny you in front of my father in heaven.” I said a bunch of other scriptures but that one captured his heart. He hung on to that verse and he remembered it. He never forgot it. He drew a line in the sand that day.

We had Mark and Becky come bless our home and we poured our hearts out to them. I thought we were too late. I thought we had really messed things up. I will never forget what Mark said. He said to us, “it’s never too late.” We drew a line in the sand with our church home that day. For eternity.

I went to a women’s retreat that was placed in my life at the right time, the right season. It was a gift from God. My sweet and favorite aunt called me up again. She said hey, I am doing this retreat and I am actually working it. Your aunt Loretta is coming you two can ride together. I knew the battle I was facing in my home-front was too big for me. I knew even superman couldn’t help me. I knew I needed God but I didn’t know how bad I needed God. It changed my life. Forever. I will forever be grateful to His Heart’s Desire Ministries. It brought me back to life. It changed me from the inside out. It was like CPR for the walking dead. I had just received a letter from ex-boss’ attorney that I was infringing copyright laws. The letter said I could be sued for $150,000.00 for every single account of copyright infringement.

This battle was not mine but it was God’s. I took everything to the cross that day. I declared war on Satan and didn’t even know it. I didn’t even know it at the time but even then I was free. I didn’t even recognize it then. I am able to look back now and say, wow! What amazing grace God pours out on his children, and how amazing are his kisses. I was so caught up in my own problems there that I didn’t even noticed I was ministering to other women there. I was there for one purpose. God had me there for so much more. Can I just say that my aunt B is a saint and she has many rubies on her crown?

She accidentally locked me out of the retreat. She didn’t know that I had went out to the chapel to pray. Supernaturally funny, my aunt who passed away had done the same thing when she went the year before and actually slept in that chapel. It was really funny. So during this time, I got to spend more time with God. Happenstance? Doubtful. I poured it all out in that little tiny country church chapel. Just me and God. He told me I was a warrior. I didn’t believe him of course. The next weekend “my bug” came over and told us he didn’t want to be a girl anymore.

We knew our battle was just getting started. I knew I was going to war when God told me I was a warrior. Why else would he call me that? Things started to fall apart in my little eyes (fleshly problem). I forgot that that weekend at the retreat God gave me a vision of my “bug” and his brother sitting at the feet of Jesus. I knew we were going to make it. I just didn’t expect it to take as long as it did.

Then it happened. My best friend since 7^th grade took her life. This was stunningly hard for me to accept. I am not sure if it’s because we never got a chance to kindle our friendship or the simple fact that I did not know how bad she was hurting. Either way, it rocked my world and grieved my soul. We weren’t like the friends that you only hung out with a little. We were the “ride or die” girls. We made so many memories. I will cherish them forever. I wish I had been there for her. I wished I had known. I had been in the place where I had been hurting and nobody knew. The fact that she was hurting and I wasn’t there for her is what hurt the most. I would have been there. I really would have. I want you to pay attention to the next part of my story. This is where the enemy got down right personal in trying to take me out.

The next week I received messages from three different of Madison’s friends that she was going to go home that night and commit suicide. Remember, Maddy hadn’t been to our house since Easter. We did not know the mental status of her. I do remember the nights we talked and she shared with me some pain that was going on at home. I remembered the day I started praying for her. I felt my legs fall out from beneath me. I couldn’t even get my clothes on and out the door. I remember calling Aaron and telling him this. Why me? Why did they text me? They could have told her mom. They could have told her dad. They, yes…three of them texted me the similar message. I should have seen the enemy here but I didn’t. I missed it again

We got the boys for the summer and went to Arkansas for a family reunion. Things had really escalated with the ex and her taking the idea of my “bug” wanting to be a girl. The problems were still there and they did not go away. I got weary. I got out of the word. I got busy. It was summer and we had things to do. We didn’t have time for church. We were really busy. While I was there I got an email from my attorney involving the 150,000 lawsuit and I was so tired of this battle. I was so tired of this war. It was exhausting. I knew she was on mission to shut my business down. I didn’t know she could really do it. She almost did. I will never forget that day. Half-truths. I had to spend more money defending that deal and it was really piling up. Debt. Problems. Life. Circumstances. Issues. I wanted to run away and move to Arkansas. This was going to solve every single problem I had. All of them. I wouldn’t have to deal with the ex. We would only have to do that every once in a while. We would be free to live. I found a house there and everything. We were seriously going to move. Aaron couldn’t though because…

Suddenly, our circumstance got bigger. We ended up in court fighting for custody. We protected. We defended. We went to court and not only did we lose that battle we actually lost time with them. Yep. I know right. Satan really turned up the heat for us. We had to sell the truck and car, we moved from our dream house. At this same time our other two rent houses turned over. One skipped rent and the other needed new carpet. We were in so much debt. We had just moved. We were in so much debt. This was a mile marker for me though. I stayed. I endured. I am surviving. I am making it… I thought. I was being stretched. I was so very confused and very lost. I was doubting everything. I lost trust in everyone. I started to really isolate myself again.

I had just started going back to church because it was finally convenient for me. Pastor Mark started this series about being planted. I was like, seriously? Okay. I have got to hear more about this because I just wanted to run away to Arkansas. Happenstance? Doubt it. It is not by chance that you are in church and you hear a message that penetrates the heart. Things were really starting to get depressing. Debt. Lots of that and we had just had court again. Still not looking good for us. Our problems were still there. Then, out of nowhere this angel friend of mine….yes, the one God sent me. Funny, I know. She sends me a text that she needed to hear my voice. I sometimes thinks she thinks I am a robot. (Fleshly thought process). Wrong. She knows if she can get me on the phone I will “hear” her. With the good ears. Not the reading words kind of ears. The spiritual ears. She told me to just be the light. She said that naturally, things will be attracted to the light. That’s it. That is pretty much all she said. Not too much information. Very broad. Very bold. Very God. He does that to me. A lot. Before she hung up she told me I needed to see this movie, “War Room” that it would change the ball-game for me. That I would look at things different. I was like when was it made? She wasn’t the type of person to go out to the movies so I had no idea it was a new movie, much less the number one in America. I was disconnected from the world.

I always forget things. Circles. Lots of circles. Right after we were defeated in court we finally got married. Through the craziness of how things went down, I didn’t call my mom and tell her. I know. It was so obvious. Everyone who knew us knew we were going to. How did she forget? Man, you must love social media. My mom found out through a status that I had changed my “status.” She was hurt. I had, in my attempt to shine through the storm… planned a little gathering for Labor Day. We had just moved into our new house on the lake. Coolness. Our dear neighbor was like Jesus in disguise to us. I hope he gets to read this one day. He was such a blessing. He let me borrow his lawn mower faithfully. I faithfully broke it every single time. It was cursed or something. Seriously. Every single time I used it something bizarre happened. So, he let me use his jet skis this very weekend and we had planned this big meal. I didn’t break them. LOL I had invited Adam and his girlfriend and her kids over and it was happily. But then, the status really ticked my mom off and she was all part of this happily, planned event. She said she was offended by my new “update” and wasn’t coming. In my selfish ways, I really hurt her and Adam.

The depression was setting in. I was really hurting. I had forgotten every promise God had made to me. That night Aaron got called into work. I was all alone again. Me. My thoughts. My brokenness and just down-right broken. Nasty. Hurt. Defeated. I knew that I needed to reach out to my soul friends. I knew that I needed someone to just be. Someone who wouldn’t judge me. I called up the worship leader from church. (See, I am learning) She didn’t know this then but I was having really irrational thoughts. The same kind of thoughts that led me to a path of destruction in Florida. She answered. She came. She came over and had dinner with me. She listened. She was obedient. She was just a beacon of light in the right place of darkness that pushed enough out of the way that lead me home to Jesus. She didn’t do anything incredible. She was available. We ate the food I had prepared for my family and then we went and rode jet-skis. Nothing supernatural. Just had fun. That’s it. She was there for me.

There was this house warming event planned for this sweet friend who had been there for me. I honestly do not know I would have gone if it wasn’t for her. Not that I love her more or less than anyone else in my God family, but because this is God, he is magnificent. He just happened to use her that day. I love all my warriors the same. We all have a spotlight in God’s kingdom. She just happened to be the one out on warfront that day who led me in, that day. Worship leader. Go figure (BTW Learning how we are all important to playing our part is critical in spiritual warfare).

I show up to this house warming party a dreadful mess. Our renters had destroyed one of our rent houses. I was burnt out. I had been painting all night the night before. I was really a mess. I think I even had paint on me. Anyways, God showed up. I remember nothing getting in my way that day. I remember on the way there being led by the holy-spirit. I still remember every word the enemy spoke to me to try and keep me from going. I also heard God above all saying, not this one. This one’s mine. I felt like I was running right into his arms. I knew I was going there to be restored. I just felt it. I cried the whole way there. God had perfectly ordained the whole weekend to make it completely possible for me to go. I knew something incredible was going to happen. I forgot though. When I got there it was so amazing. Then, Becky started sharing week one from this bible study they had been doing. She was speaking to me. God was speaking to me. After she finished, she looked at the women in the room. She said, “I don’t want wimpy women in our church.” If you need prayer we want to pray with you and be there for you because I refuse to let the enemy have any of my women (I know right). Get your tissues ready because this is where God completely and flawlessly, defeated Satan’s voice in my head.

(This is when you know you are around some down-right, prayer warriors that hear from God)

I forget the warrior that put me on that chair. It was all so fast and supernatural. It was like my spirit leading my flesh. I wasn’t getting out of this one. She said, “I feel like we are supposed to make a circle around you like a wall.

I sat on this chair and they made a circle around me. They started praying. What was supposed to be a house-warming party for Cara was really a house-warming party for Jesus to take back the throne in my heart. They sealed it. It was done. I was restored and ready for war. I remember opening up to them about how Satan was stealing my heart. I remember crying out, why does this hurt so much. Darla, my sweet Darla. She said this “God is allowing these circumstances in your life because you are being refined like gold.” Then they invited me to do this really incredible bible story about this girl who was in the movie, “War Room.” I was like…shut the front door. The what? What is this? My angel told me about this movie but I hadn’t had a chance to go see it. What? I was feeling all the supernatural things God was trying to show me. Me and Luci went and saw it. That night. My angel was right. It set things in motion. It changed the ball-game. It changed my perspective. Sunday, at church Darla said she had a dream of me wearing armor, like a warrior. (In my head, I’m remembering God telling me I was a warrior). I am starting to remember. Still didn’t know what this bible study was about but I was in. I was going. I knew God had his hands all up in it. I was sold. They warned me though. They said, if you are going to do it. You need to make a commitment right now. Because this one….well, it’s going to sound an alarm to Satan. You are going to be his target. So make a commitment right now. You are either going to give your word you won’t miss a session or you don’t come at all. I made the commitment and sealed the deal. Still didn’t know the name of the book but I was in. Saw the movie but clueless about the study was on. I know.

I didn’t get my book until the day before. I was already behind because I missed the very first session because it happened before I was restored. So I had some catching up to do. There is a calling on Priscilla Shirer. The book study is called, “The Armor of God.”

I had to pause here because I am completely overwhelmed by the amount of peace this has brought to me. The places this led me. The darkest parts of my life. The very thing that was going to destroy me was all brought together in this perfect storm. God used this to heal me. Not just heal me. Make me brand new. I learned how to fight. I learned to surrender. I learned we do not fight against flesh and blood but rulers of this world and evil in heavenly places. I learned that these circumstances were designed to take me out and hand-crafted; personalized attacks. Can I just tell you there is freedom in surrender? Let me fast forward to now. I am almost finished with the study. We are still working. However, my revelation happened this week and that is monumental. So much good has happened during the course of this. So much that I just want to get right to the biggest thing that is going to blow your socks off.

Tissues.

I learned how to pray for my enemies. I learned that they were not the enemy but just being used by the enemy. I learned that I needed to pray blessings upon blessings and pray for their salvation. I learned that God loves all his children. Lost or Found. He loves them all. He wants them all. He wants them all to live in his blessings. Even through the trials of this life. So over the past 10 weeks I have learned how to pray over everything. I have prayed things into existence. I have learned to count my answered prayers. Even the little ones. I write them down and when I am feeling defeated I start reading them out-loud. I have learned my strategy to fight the devil.

Chosen through the mind of a junkie

Effective communication is taught at every level and reciprocated by business admins, professors, wives to husbands, mothers to their children and friends throughout the day. I might question though what good is communication without the proper content of the message? I found myself thinking about this while running today after an incredible moment with God pouring his love down on me. I have been walking through some stuff and giving up some bad habits that led to this glorious message. I pray that I am able to communicate effectively what has been poured out to me.

When you encounter kisses from our heavenly Father, your whole world changes instantly. Whatever you are doing is magnified. Your persona, your demeanor & tone. Without any notice you begin to wear a radical, vibrant & earth shattering glow the moment this happens that cripples any sight of fear or depression lingering nearby. For me it was easy I was walking on the treadmill and literally felt like I could run a marathon. I began praying for those around me whom I do not know or have even spoke a word to. I became this beacon of love pouring out like a waterfall. In the middle of praying for those around me I knew immediately what their needs where as I felt my prayers become more specific to each individual. Then it hit me. This heart that is understanding. Compassion. Love. Grace. Mercy. I felt it all at once and how bittersweet it was.

Our circumstance or whatever problems being thrown our way hadn't changed. That isn't what led to this moment. It was the perseverance to run with endurance the race set before me (Hebrews 12:1), I believe that led me to this moment.

My father to this day is a drug addict. He has been my whole life. He has many runs of being clean but it seems like lately I find it harder and harder to forgive him. I remember things no child should ever. My pain is real but to understand addiction is not so simple.

Sometimes, I think we are allowed to walk in certain things to better understand. I am not suggesting that God allowed this instance to happen because it was my own problem that crumbled. The only difference was I had eyes to see a message out of it and a heart to understand why my father is the way he is.

It has been two weeks since my aunt called me up and asked me if I would do this diet with her. It has been a wild ride for sure but super challenging as well. I had gained 50 pounds in the first 6 months with Aaron and to be honest I just didn't know how to stop drinking sodas. So the night before I just flawlessly ate pizza like it was paleo. I know it wasn't but man it was so good. At least for the moment. For a little bit I felt amazing. I was like man...this is food.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Man. I really let aunt B down. I felt like such a failure. The twisted tought process that comes with a relapse is so real and overbearring that I understand how people get stuck there.

I did too. I was convinced that I had destroyed all the hard work we had done. I immediately got on the scale to weigh out the bad decision.

The problem is that I was so focused on "failing" and letting her down that I didn't think I could recover. I was stuck in the thought process. I realized in this moment the way my father must feel when he relapses. What a failure he must feel like. How hard it is for him to face the world now. How do you get back to feeling alive. Not feeling guilty or condemned. The struggle is all mental. I believe that relapse is the first step to spinning out of control. That one slice of pizza (due to guilt) has now turned into a slice of pizza, dr. pepper and much more. I didn't think I could get back on track. I thought I was done dieting. I didn't think I could get back on the saddle. My husband was like, man you don't just fall off you jump off and run. It's true. I mess up big and then the mentality is shot. How do you go on again? How do you forgive yourself from that one bad decision and keep trucking?

The next morning I started my day in prayer. It amazed me how forgiving and gracious God was to me over the whole situation. Then, when I went to the gym and had this complete breakthrough I was thinking, WOW! This must be how it feels to try and pick yourself up off the floor. It was in that moment of great revelation that mercy is new everyday. Each day we are made brand new and do not let yesterday get in the way of today. Today, I am free. Today, I am new. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet. Live for today.

Love,
Stephanie

To see items reflecting this moment:

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Friday, January 8, 2016

My Shadow Box Faith

In the moment of my prayers being answered flawlessly and abundantly I made it my mission to tell everyone all the amazing things God had been doing in our family. I told my closest family. When people came to my house I showed them my "war room" and the prayer wall, my battlefield and my answered prayers. I wanted to tell the whole world. I wanted everyone to know the miracles that had been performed in our lives. I put my faith and blessings in a shadow box frame in my "trophy room." My war room became a show-off room and I soon quit spending time in there. It wasn't on purpose but I was for the first time in a very long time in complete peace. "All was well with my soul." Life was good...

About two weeks after everything in the home front was recovered and everyone was merry again I felt the holy spirit telling me to prepare for war. I always know when a storm is coming. I think I listened to every single women's ministry speaker's shared videos for about another two weeks. My sweet cousin thought I was obsessed with it. I knew I needed the training.

Then it happened. The most and craziest thing unfolded right before my eyes with my marriage. Out of respect for my marriage the details are confidential but I was in that moment shattered in one million tiny little pieces. I knew that I had to go on because I just won a year long battle fighting to keep this family together. I knew that this was Satan's attempt to take me down one more time. I think in these moments we grow. It may not seem like we are growing but we are. By the grace of God and my determined self, I forgave and we moved on. In my heart I was breaking. The pain you feel when something blindsides you is more intense then the "enduring" battles. I think God knows what we need to endure and when it's okay to fall apart. The problem is I was trying so hard to remain the miracle family that I didn't show emotions. I kept them all in. I wanted to run but I couldn't. You know when someone messes with you so much that you make it your mission to win? That is what happened that day. I decided that there was absolutely nothing Satan could do to me that could make me run anymore. I am tired of running y'all.

The problem is for the next two weeks I was so busy that I didn't have time to process this. I think it was Christmas Eve before I realized how destroyed I was. I was so lonely. Due to the nature of my husband's job he is gone a lot. It is not his fault and he is at the mercy of the storms so there really isn't anything neither one of us could do about it.

I told my mom the only thing I wanted was an answered prayer shadow box for Christmas. She had my uncle make it for me and it was the most precious gift I have ever received. I spent Christmas Eve and Christmas without my husband. It just did not feel like Christmas anymore. What is happening here? My head is spinning and all of a sudden I realized I had put my faith in a shadow box and my "armor" in a room somewhere that I haven't been in for weeks. I hadn't been praying and spending time with God. I had been praying but not really praying. It went more like this, God he better be lucky that I know Jesus. It was more like insults. Demands and outbursts. You know the "genie in a bottle" kind of prayers. The ones that you say when things are bad. Those kind of prayers. Not the kind of praying that I do well. That kind of praying is what I needed the most.

This is where I get set back again. (To Be Con't)...

Coming next- "The Unbreakable Warrior"

The next week I received messages from three different friends of one of my children's that they were going home to commit suicide that night. At the time I do remember the nights we talked and this child shared with me some pain that was going on. I remembered the day I started praying for this child. I felt my legs fall out from beneath me. I couldn’t even get my clothes on and out the door. I remember calling Aaron and telling him this. Why me? Why did they text me? Why didn't they call him? They could have told her dad. They, yes…three of them texted me the similar message. I should have seen the enemy here but I didn’t. I missed it again..

We went to Arkansas for a family reunion this summer and fell in love with the place. While I was there I got an email from my attorney involving the 150,000 lawsuit and I was so tired of this battle. I was so tired of this war. It was exhausting. I knew I was close to losing my business. Debt. Problems. Life. Circumstances. Issues. I wanted to run away and move to Arkansas. This was going to solve every single problem I had. All of them. I wouldn’t have to deal with the problems at home. We would only have to do that every once in a while. We would be free to live. I found a house there and everything. We were seriously going to move. Aaron couldn’t though because…

Suddenly, our circumstance got bigger. We ended up in court. We protected. We defended. We went to court and not only did we lose that battle we actually lost ourselves. Yep. I know right. Satan really turned up the heat for us. We had to sell the truck and car, we moved from our dream house. At this same time our other two rent houses turned over. One skipped rent and the other needed new carpet. We were in so much debt. We had just moved. This was a mile marker for me though. I stayed. I endured. I am surviving. I am making it… I thought. I was being stretched. I was so very confused and very lost. I was doubting everything. I lost trust in everyone. I started to really isolate myself again.

****Get your tissues ready because this is where God completely and flawlessly, defeated Satan’s voice in my head*****

This is when you know you are around some down-right, prayer warriors that hear from God- I forget the warrior that put me on that chair. It was all so fast and supernatural. It was like my spirit leading my flesh. I wasn’t getting out of this one. She said, “I feel like we are supposed to make a circle around you like a wall.

Tissues

This part is crazy faith mixed with amazing grace.

I did an outreach serving in our community and on my way home I remembered a promise God gave me the day before. He said, expect a blessing tomorrow. The day was almost done and I had been completely filled up with blessings all day but this was something tangible he made that very clear. I, in my humanly flesh, cried out to him…God, you promised. I didn’t entertain this stupidity very long though because I refuse an entry of the enemy, now. I have learned. I got home and my mom was there. I was partially embarrassed because Aaron had called and told her how much debt we were in. I was mad. I was a brat. I was like, this… is not a blessing. I was disturbed. But then. My mom is really a warrior too. She said, I am only asking because I am here to help you. I am not going to go into too much detail but she told me later that the Lord had put it on her to bless me that day. She said, I wasn’t coming there to pay your bills.” God put that on my heart. She was obedient. We had faithfully chosen to tithe over the past few months. We drew that line in the sand, remember? We had been faced that week with tithing or paying some bills. My mom came and she paid those bills. Not because we needed her to. Not because she planned to. But because God wanted her to. I was blessed beyond measure. It wasn’t because she was paying my bills it was because I was overwhelmed and flowing with his kisses. He is faithful. Always. Never changing. As if that wasn’t enough. God wasn’t done yet.

I had been praying now faithfully, fiercely for a lot of things. One of them was a font. I know that sounds really weird but I design jewelry and fonts are VERY expensive and I had sold 3 of mine over the summer to help us financially and because I was going to quit my business, remember? So, I had been surrendering every single area of my life over to God. Even the dark places. I was also honest about what I wanted, what I desired. But it needed to be his will. Not mine. Mind you, I forgot I had been praying about this. The group buy for the font was over. I gave it to the Lord. I “girded” myself and tucked it away. Maybe after Christmas, I thought. It was really okay. I want you to know I honestly was not upset by that “un-answered” prayer. I wanted to live in victory for Him, not me. I knew this was not really a need. It could wait.

Can I just tell you that God wanted me to know that he was listening to my prayer request that I had made to him? He wanted to increase my faith. Not because he needed to. He wanted to. I had been, secretly (to God only) been surrendering my business to him. I told him that if he didn’t want me to do this business that I was willing to give it up. I would live for him all the days of my life. If he wanted me on mission wherever, I was ready. I was willing. I laid it all down to him. My biggest dream. I gave it back to him.

So, my mom is sitting there and she is like, let’s order pizza. So we did. We went to the store to get drinks. She said, “Where is a x bank?” I was like, I don’t know, why? Can’t you just go on your way home? It did not occur to me what was happening. I was still mesmerized by what just happened. Me and my “bug” and nana banana were getting sour patch exploders and dr. pepper. It was a really good day. All of a sudden, we pull up to this x bank. She rolls down her window and I turned and looked at my “bug” and I said, I love you so much. In the background I hear this song that captivates me. It just kept saying, “this is grace” over and over. I am caught up to what is happening and my mom, turns and looks at me. She hands me 1,000 and said, “I don’t want you to quit this business because you are putting scriptures out in the world. People are reading it in places they wouldn’t have otherwise.” In that very moment. I melted. I was speechless. I was flooded with tears. All I could hear is, “this is grace” and it was grace. I was so happy to order that font the next day. I named it nana banana after my mom. She is our “Nana Banana” that is what my kids call her. I think I was overflowing with tears for hours. Overwhelmed. Overflowed. More importantly, God answered my prayer to him about this business. He didn’t want me to quit.

Don’t put the tissues up just yet….

This last weekend, we had our first, “Camping with Christ” weekend. It’s a group we started with church. It stormed the night before and crazy was around us. I forgot about a conversation I had with my “bug” the last time I saw him. He mentioned some stuff and not knowing what to do with it or about it and I said, well… bring it here and we will burn it. So, this day started off rough. I didn’t see the kids until later. Then, my “bug” showed me what he brought over. To destroy. He brought over his girl clothes. This very real and dark part of my story I surrendered to God. He burned them. He wanted to destroy them. I felt great pleasure in watching Satan’s plan to destruct my land with defile images and … well, I enjoyed watching him burn in that pit there with my closest warriors who had fought this battle with me. WITH ME, by my side. Fully armed. Faithfully. We are warriors together.

It gets better…

Faith is the part of armor that is used in action. You have to physically “take up” this one. To access it you must have faith. You must believe things are so. Two weeks ago God put it on my heart to write a letter to the administrator who fired me. I didn’t know why but I do now. I just got around to writing that letter this week. Through writing that letter I realized I had not forgiven myself or a lot of people. I realized I was full of un-forgiveness.

We have a speaker coming to our church this weekend and we have these fliers we have been praying over as to who we need to hand them to and invite and so on. Aaron comes home from the store one day and he said. You know! This prayer thing is really cool. (We have noticed some extreme differences in a lot of areas of our lives). “Maybe I need to start telling you everything that I am troubled with.” Okay, what are you troubled with, what? This is all very new with us…talking and praying together about everything. We have grown so much in our walk. But this… this was like wow!

“Well, everything you have been praying for is happening. God is providing a way.” Yeah, and…”I know this is going to sound crazy but as I was driving through town God really put it on my heart that we need to invite (xyz lawsuit person) to church for Sujo John. I was like, I think you misheard. You didn’t really hear God say that. Funny enough, (God got jokes) we had just finished a series called, “God never said, THAT,” so I was really sure about this one. I said, no. God never said that. I think you heard him wrong. LOL (I know right). I was in that prayer room and I was like… God, for real? I knew Aaron had heard from God. I knew it because I felt it in my spirit as he was telling me. I just didn’t want him to know, that I knew, that he knew, that I knew.. I needed to go there. God did say that. He said I needed to forgive everyone if I wanted to be forgiven.

Crap.

Talking in truth and walking in truth are two very different things. God has been refining me over the past 10 weeks. Just like Darla called it. Just like He told me. God gives such sweet kisses. At a prayer meeting this past Saturday we prayed for Paris. We prayed and during this hour God spoke the most defining words he has ever spoke to me. He said, “Prepare for Total Destruction; but do not fear; All is well.”

I left there a little startled. I knew he was preparing me but I was thinking…God everything is destructed in my life, we’re good. Really, I am good. I am going to follow you all the days of my life. I am going to love you if xyz is happening and I am going to be a disciple. We are good.

So good that I didn’t go to church the next morning. This was really odd because I haven’t missed church in a very long time. (My armor was on though and I wasn’t luke-warm I was hot) and I sounded the alarm. I started speaking in prayer to devil and praying. Let me just say this. Devil, you are a defeated foe. You are a liar and you have no victory in my life. Amen

Anyways, I immediately remembered I had not been obedient in writing that letter and I had not invited ex-boss/friend to church. I was like. Crap. Oh, yes. Right. Obedience. Yes. I hear you Lord. Okay.

I wrote the letter. The power that rose up in me from writing a letter to someone who I had been incredible hurt by for over two years ago, gave me the power to do this next part. It was the letter to one that led me to start forgiving everywhere. I started on myself next. This crazy faith stuff is real. In faith, I wrote that email to ex/boss. I invited her to church to see Sujo. Let me tell you meanwhile, we had a tornado come down. My cell phone screen had been shattered since this weekend and I we lost power. Several times that night. I didn’t have internet so I was really not sure of the outcome of my email. I figured it went through but I had no clue if she wrote me back. I get a message on Aaron’s phone from my online platform that is (BTW booming now; it didn’t shut me down- it flourished); I get this message that says, (ex-boss/best friend) referred me to you and said you could help me get this item I need. I almost fell over dead. I suddenly remembered I had written the email. It was a really long night. We had really bad storms. It was bad. Earthly bad. I checked my email and nothing. There was nothing. The day went by and I somewhat forgot. We got our Christmas stuff out and were decorating. The day passed. I really did kind of in a way forget to check my email and the platform page and stuff. For like an hour. I forgot.

Aaron calls me and he said (he is so cute); hey, what was the outcome with ex-boss/best friend email? I was like, I don’t know. I don’t think she wrote me back yet. He said, well, I think she wrote you back. Something about meeting you. I was like. What?

Sure enough. She did. We did. We met up and we learned that this whole stinking year. THIS WHOLE FREAKING year spun out of control by emotions. I learned that I was more wrong than I thought I was. We learned a lot. I was able to see the situation from different eyes. I had these new eyes that allowed me to see that way. These eyes I learned in this thing, this study.

I went home and went straight to the word. I started reading. Do you know what the first page I turned to said? It’s going to blow your mind.

“Now, instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore to reaffirm your love for him. The reason I wrote you you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in everything. If you forgive anyone, I also will forgive him. And what I have forgiven—if there is anything to forgive- I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us, for we are NOT unaware of this schemes.”

(Can I get an AMEN).

I passed the test of obedience. I suddenly remembered the verse Darla had given to me at the beginning of this course. When I cried out, why does this hurt so much? Job 23:10;But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.

Well, my friends that leads me to the newest collection I am creating called, crazy faith. I dedicate this line to my ex-best boss friend lady. She was not the real enemy. I was blind. I was lost. I could not see. I did not understand.

I understand now. I am stepping out. I am taking the lead. I will keep you updated. For now, shape-up, get word-up and prayed up. The enemy is lurking all around you. Can you see him?