I went to a women’s retreat that was placed in my life at
the right time, the right season. It was
a gift from God. My sweet and favorite
aunt called me up again. She said hey, I
am doing this retreat and I am actually working it. Your aunt Loretta is coming you two can ride
together. I knew the battle I was facing
in my home-front was too big for me. I
knew even superman couldn’t help me. I
knew I needed God but I didn’t know how bad I needed God. It changed my life. Forever.
I will forever be grateful to His Heart’s Desire Ministries. It brought me back to life. It changed me from the inside out. It was like CPR for the walking dead. I had
just received a letter from xyz’ attorney that I was being sued for 150,000.
This battle was not mine but it was God’s. I took everything to the cross that day. I declared war on Satan and didn’t even know
it. I didn’t even know it at the time
but even then I was free. I didn’t even
recognize it then. I am able to look
back now and say, wow! What amazing
grace God pours out on his children, and how amazing are his kisses. I was so caught up in my own problems there
that I didn’t even noticed I was ministering to other women there. I was there for one purpose. God had me there for so much more. Can I just say that my aunt B is a saint and
she has many rubies on her crown?
She accidentally locked me out of the retreat. She didn’t know that I had went out to the
chapel to pray. Supernaturally funny, my
aunt who passed away had done the same thing when she went the year before and actually
slept in that chapel. It was really
funny. So during this time, I got to
spend more time with God.
Happenstance? Doubtful. I poured it all out in that little tiny
country church chapel. Just me and
God. He told me I was a warrior. I didn’t believe him of course. The next weekend “my bug” came over and told
us he didn’t want to be a girl anymore.
We knew our battle was just getting started. I knew I was
going to war when God told me I was a warrior.
Why else would he call me that? Things started to fall apart in my
little eyes (fleshly problem). I forgot
that that weekend at the retreat God gave me a vision of my “bug” and his
brother sitting at the feet of Jesus. I
knew we were going to make it. I just
didn’t expect it to take as long as it did.
Then it
happened. My best friend since 7th
grade took her life. This was stunningly
hard for me to accept. I am not sure if
it’s because we never got a chance to kindle our friendship or the simple fact
that I did not know how bad she was hurting.
Either way, it rocked my world and grieved my soul. We weren’t like the
friends that you only hung out with a little.
We were the “ride or die” girls.
We made so many memories. I will
cherish them forever. I wish I had been
there for her. I wished I had
known. I had been in the place where I
had been hurting and nobody knew. The
fact that she was hurting and I wasn’t there for her is what hurt the
most. I would have been there. I really would have. I want you to pay attention to the next part
of my story. This is where the enemy got
down right personal in trying to take me out.
The next week I received messages from three different friends of one of my children's that they were going home to commit suicide that night. At the time I do remember
the nights we talked and this child shared with me some pain that was going on. I remembered the day I started
praying for this child. I felt my legs fall out
from beneath me. I couldn’t even get my
clothes on and out the door. I remember
calling Aaron and telling him this. Why me? Why did they text me? Why didn't they call him? They could have told her dad. They, yes…three of them texted me the similar
message. I should have seen the enemy
here but I didn’t. I missed it again..
We went to Arkansas for a family reunion this summer and fell in love with the place. While I was there I got an email from my
attorney involving the 150,000 lawsuit and I was so tired of this battle. I was so tired of this war. It was exhausting. I knew I was close to losing my business. Debt. Problems. Life. Circumstances. Issues.
I wanted to run away and move to Arkansas.
This was going to solve every single problem I had. All of them.
I wouldn’t have to deal with the problems at home. We would only have to do that every once in a while. We would be free to live. I found a house there and everything. We were seriously going to move. Aaron couldn’t though because…
Suddenly, our circumstance got bigger. We ended up in court. We protected. We defended.
We went to court and not only did we lose that battle we actually lost ourselves. Yep. I know right.
Satan really turned up the heat for us.
We had to sell the truck and car, we moved from our dream house. At this same time our other two rent houses
turned over. One skipped rent and the
other needed new carpet. We were in so
much debt. We had just moved. This was a mile marker for me though. I stayed.
I endured. I am surviving. I am making it… I thought. I was being stretched. I was so very confused and very lost. I was doubting everything. I lost trust in everyone. I started to really isolate myself
again.
I had just started going back to church because it was
finally convenient for me. Pastor Mark started
this series about being planted. I was
like, seriously? Okay. I have got to
hear more about this because I just wanted to run away to Arkansas. Happenstance?
Doubt it. It is not by chance
that you are in church and you hear a message that penetrates the heart. Things were really starting to get
depressing. Debt. Lots of that and we had just had court again. Still not looking good for us. Our problems were still there. Then, out of nowhere this angel friend of
mine….yes, the one God sent me. Funny, I
know. She sends me a text that she
needed to hear my voice. I sometimes
thinks she thinks I am a robot. (Fleshly
thought process). Wrong. She knows if she can get me on the phone I
will “hear” her. With the good
ears. Not the reading words kind of
ears. The spiritual ears. She told me to just be the light. She said that naturally, things will be
attracted to the light. That’s it. That is pretty much all she said. Not too much information. Very broad.
Very bold. Very God. He does that to me. A lot.
Before she hung up she told me I needed to see this movie, “War Room”
that it would change the ball-game for me.
That I would look at things different.
I was like when was it made? She
wasn’t the type of person to go out to the movies so I had no idea it was a new
movie, much less the number one in America.
I was disconnected from the world.
I always forget things.
Circles. Lots of circles. Right after we were defeated in court we
finally got married. Through the
craziness of how things went down, I didn’t call my mom and tell her. I know. It was so obvious. Everyone who knew us knew we were going
to. How did she forget? Man, you must love social media. My mom found out through a status that I had
changed my “status.” She was hurt. I
had, in my attempt to shine through the storm… planned a little gathering for
Labor Day. We had just moved into our
new house on the lake. Coolness. Our dear neighbor was like Jesus in disguise
to us. I hope he gets to read this one
day. He was such a blessing. He let me borrow his lawn mower
faithfully. I faithfully broke it every
single time. It was cursed or something. Seriously.
Every single time I used it something bizarre happened. So, he let me use his jet skis this very
weekend and we had planned this big meal.
I didn’t break them. LOL I had invited Adam and his girlfriend and her
kids over and it was happily. But then,
the status really ticked my mom off and she was all part of this happily,
planned event. She said she was offended
by my new “update” and wasn’t coming. In
my selfish ways, I really hurt her and Adam.
The depression was setting in. I was really hurting. I had forgotten every promise God had made to
me. That night Aaron got called into work. I was all alone again. Me. My
thoughts. My brokenness and just
down-right broken. Nasty. Hurt.
Defeated. I knew that I needed to
reach out to my soul friends. I knew
that I needed someone to just be.
Someone who wouldn’t judge me. I
called up the worship leader from church.
(See, I am learning) She didn’t
know this then but I was having really irrational thoughts. The same kind of thoughts that led me to a
path of destruction in Florida. She
answered. She came. She came over and had dinner with me. She listened.
She was obedient. She was just a
beacon of light in the right place of darkness that pushed enough out of the way
that lead me home to Jesus. She didn’t
do anything incredible. She was
available. We ate the food I had
prepared for my family and then we went and rode jet-skis. Nothing supernatural. Just had fun.
That’s it. She was there for
me.
There was this house warming event planned for this sweet
friend who had been there for me. I
honestly do not know I would have gone if it wasn’t for her. Not that I love her more or less than anyone
else in my God family, but because this is God, he is magnificent. He just happened to use her that day. I love all my warriors the same. We all have a spotlight in God’s kingdom. She just happened to be the one out on
warfront that day who led me in, that day.
Worship leader. Go figure (BTW Learning
how we are all important to playing our part is critical in spiritual warfare).
I show up to this house warming party a dreadful mess. Our renters had destroyed one of our rent
houses. I was burnt out. I had been painting all night the night
before. I was really a mess. I think I even had paint on me. Anyways, God showed up. I remember nothing getting in my way that
day. I remember on the way there being
led by the holy-spirit. I still remember
every word the enemy spoke to me to try and keep me from going. I also heard God above all saying, not this
one. This one’s mine. I felt like I was running right into his
arms. I knew I was going there to be
restored. I just felt it. I cried the
whole way there. God had perfectly
ordained the whole weekend to make it completely possible for me to go. I knew something incredible was going to
happen. I forgot though. When I got there it was so amazing. Then, Becky started sharing week one from
this bible study they had been doing.
She was speaking to me. God was speaking to me. After she finished, she looked at the women
in the room. She said, “I don’t want
wimpy women in our church.” If you need prayer we want to pray with you and be
there for you because I refuse to let the enemy have any of my women (I know
right).
****Get your tissues ready because
this is where God completely and flawlessly, defeated Satan’s voice in my
head*****
This is when you know you are
around some down-right, prayer warriors that hear from God- I forget the warrior that put
me on that chair. It was all so fast and
supernatural. It was like my spirit
leading my flesh. I wasn’t getting out
of this one. She said, “I feel like we
are supposed to make a circle around you like a wall.
I sat on this chair and they
made a circle around me. They started
praying. What was supposed to be a
house-warming party for Cara was really a house-warming party for Jesus to take
back the throne in my heart. They sealed
it. It was done. I was restored and ready for war. I remember opening up to them about how Satan
was stealing my heart. I remember crying
out, why does this hurt so much. Darla,
my sweet Darla. She said this “God is
allowing these circumstances in your life because you are being refined like
gold.” Then they invited me to do this really incredible bible story about this
girl who was in the movie, “War Room.” I
was like…shut the front door. The
what? What is this? My angel told me about this movie but I
hadn’t had a chance to go see it.
What? I was feeling all the
supernatural things God was trying to show me.
Me and Luci went and saw it. That
night. My angel was right. It set things in motion. It changed the ball-game. It changed my perspective. Sunday, at church Darla said she had a dream
of me wearing armor, like a warrior. (In
my head, I’m remembering God telling me I was a warrior). I am starting to remember. Still didn’t know what this bible study was
about but I was in. I was going. I knew God had his hands all up in it. I was sold. They warned me though. They said, if you are going to do it. You need to make a commitment right now. Because this one….well, it’s going to sound
an alarm to Satan. You are going to be
his target. So make a commitment right
now. You are either going to give your
word you won’t miss a session or you don’t come at all. I made the commitment and sealed the
deal. Still didn’t know the name of the
book but I was in. Saw the movie but
clueless about the study was on. I
know.
I didn’t get my book until the
day before. I was already behind because
I missed the very first session because it happened before I was restored. So I had some catching up to do. There is a calling on Priscilla Shirer. The book study is called, “The Armor of God.”
I had to pause here because I
am completely overwhelmed by the amount of peace this has brought to me. The places this led me. The darkest parts of my life. The very thing that was going to destroy me
was all brought together in this perfect storm.
God used this to heal me. Not
just heal me. Make me brand new. I learned how to fight. I learned to surrender. I learned we do not fight against flesh and
blood but rulers of this world and evil in heavenly places. I learned that these circumstances were
designed to take me out and hand-crafted; personalized attacks. Can I just tell
you there is freedom in surrender? Let
me fast forward to now. I am almost
finished with the study. We are still
working. However, my revelation happened
this week and that is monumental. So
much good has happened during the course of this. So much that I just want to get right to the
biggest thing that is going to blow your socks off.
Tissues
I learned how to pray for my
enemies. I learned that they were not
the enemy but just being used by the enemy.
I learned that I needed to pray blessings upon blessings and pray for
their salvation. I learned that God
loves all his children. Lost or
Found. He loves them all. He wants them all. He wants them all to live in his
blessings. Even through the trials of
this life. So over the past 10 weeks I
have learned how to pray over everything.
I have prayed things into existence.
I have learned to count my answered prayers. Even the little ones. I write them down and when I am feeling
defeated I start reading them out-loud. I
have learned my strategy to fight the devil.
This part is crazy faith mixed with
amazing grace.
I did an outreach serving in
our community and on my way home I remembered a promise God gave me the day
before. He said, expect a blessing
tomorrow. The day was almost done and I
had been completely filled up with blessings all day but this was something
tangible he made that very clear. I, in
my humanly flesh, cried out to him…God, you promised. I didn’t entertain this stupidity very long
though because I refuse an entry of the enemy, now. I have learned. I got home and my mom was there. I was partially embarrassed because Aaron had
called and told her how much debt we were in.
I was mad. I was a brat. I was like, this… is not a blessing. I was disturbed. But then.
My mom is really a warrior too.
She said, I am only asking because I am here to help you. I am not going to go into too much detail but
she told me later that the Lord had put it on her to bless me that day. She said, I wasn’t coming there to pay your
bills.” God put that on my heart. She was obedient. We had faithfully chosen to tithe over the
past few months. We drew that line in
the sand, remember? We had been faced
that week with tithing or paying some bills.
My mom came and she paid those bills.
Not because we needed her to. Not
because she planned to. But because God
wanted her to. I was blessed beyond
measure. It wasn’t because she was
paying my bills it was because I was overwhelmed and flowing with his
kisses. He is faithful. Always.
Never changing. As if that wasn’t
enough. God wasn’t done yet.
I had been praying now faithfully,
fiercely for a lot of things. One of
them was a font. I know that sounds
really weird but I design jewelry and fonts are VERY expensive and I had sold 3
of mine over the summer to help us financially and because I was going to quit
my business, remember? So, I had been
surrendering every single area of my life over to God. Even the dark places. I was also honest about what I wanted, what I
desired. But it needed to be his
will. Not mine. Mind you, I forgot I had been praying about
this. The group buy for the font was
over. I gave it to the Lord. I “girded” myself and tucked it away. Maybe after Christmas, I thought. It was really okay. I want you to know I honestly was not upset
by that “un-answered” prayer. I wanted
to live in victory for Him, not me. I
knew this was not really a need. It
could wait.
Can I just tell you that God
wanted me to know that he was listening to my prayer request that I had made to
him? He wanted to increase my
faith. Not because he needed to. He wanted to.
I had been, secretly (to God only) been surrendering my business to
him. I told him that if he didn’t want
me to do this business that I was willing to give it up. I would live for him all the days of my
life. If he wanted me on mission
wherever, I was ready. I was
willing. I laid it all down to him. My biggest dream. I gave it back to him.
So, my mom is sitting there and she is like,
let’s order pizza. So we did. We went to the store to get drinks. She said, “Where is a x bank?” I was like, I don’t know, why? Can’t you just go on your way home? It did not occur to me what was
happening. I was still mesmerized by
what just happened. Me and my “bug” and
nana banana were getting sour patch exploders and dr. pepper. It was a really good day. All of a sudden, we pull up to this x
bank. She rolls down her window and I
turned and looked at my “bug” and I said, I love you so much. In the background I hear this song that
captivates me. It just kept saying,
“this is grace” over and over. I am
caught up to what is happening and my mom, turns and looks at me. She hands me 1,000 and said, “I don’t want
you to quit this business because you are putting scriptures out in the world. People are reading it in places they wouldn’t
have otherwise.” In that very
moment. I melted. I was speechless. I was flooded with tears. All I could hear is, “this is grace” and it
was grace. I was so happy to order that
font the next day. I named it nana
banana after my mom. She is our “Nana
Banana” that is what my kids call her. I
think I was overflowing with tears for hours.
Overwhelmed. Overflowed. More
importantly, God answered my prayer to him about this business. He didn’t want me to quit.
Don’t put the tissues up just
yet….
This last weekend, we had our
first, “Camping with Christ” weekend.
It’s a group we started with church.
It stormed the night before and crazy was around us. I forgot about a conversation I had with my
“bug” the last time I saw him. He
mentioned some stuff and not knowing what to do with it or about it and I said,
well… bring it here and we will burn it.
So, this day started off rough. I
didn’t see the kids until later. Then,
my “bug” showed me what he brought over.
To destroy. He brought over his
girl clothes. This very real and dark
part of my story I surrendered to God.
He burned them. He wanted to
destroy them. I felt great pleasure in
watching Satan’s plan to destruct my land with defile images and … well, I
enjoyed watching him burn in that pit there with my closest warriors who had
fought this battle with me. WITH ME, by
my side. Fully armed. Faithfully.
We are warriors together.
It gets better…
Faith is the part of armor
that is used in action. You have to
physically “take up” this one. To access
it you must have faith. You must believe
things are so. Two weeks ago God put it
on my heart to write a letter to the administrator who fired me. I didn’t know why but I do now. I just got around to writing that letter this
week. Through writing that letter I
realized I had not forgiven myself or a lot of people. I realized I was full of un-forgiveness.
We have a speaker coming to
our church this weekend and we have these fliers we have been praying over as
to who we need to hand them to and invite and so on. Aaron comes home from the store one day and
he said. You know! This prayer thing is really cool. (We have noticed some extreme differences in
a lot of areas of our lives). “Maybe I need to start telling you everything
that I am troubled with.” Okay, what are
you troubled with, what? This is all
very new with us…talking and praying together about everything. We have grown so much in our walk. But this…
this was like wow!
“Well, everything you have
been praying for is happening. God is
providing a way.” Yeah, and…”I know this
is going to sound crazy but as I was driving through town God really put it on
my heart that we need to invite (xyz lawsuit person) to church for Sujo
John. I was like, I think you
misheard. You didn’t really hear God say
that. Funny enough, (God got jokes) we
had just finished a series called, “God never said, THAT,” so I was really sure
about this one. I said, no. God never said that. I think you heard him wrong. LOL (I
know right). I was in that prayer room
and I was like… God, for real? I knew
Aaron had heard from God. I knew it
because I felt it in my spirit as he was telling me. I just didn’t want him to know, that I knew,
that he knew, that I knew.. I needed to go there. God did say that. He said I needed to forgive everyone if I
wanted to be forgiven.
Crap.
Talking in truth and walking
in truth are two very different things.
God has been refining me over the past 10 weeks. Just like Darla called it. Just like He told me. God gives such sweet kisses. At a prayer meeting this past
Saturday we prayed for Paris. We prayed
and during this hour God spoke the most defining words he has ever spoke to
me. He said, “Prepare for Total
Destruction; but do not fear; All is well.”
I left there a little
startled. I knew he was preparing me but
I was thinking…God everything is destructed in my life, we’re good. Really, I am good. I am going to follow you all the days of my
life. I am going to love you if xyz is
happening and I am going to be a disciple.
We are good.
So good that I didn’t go to
church the next morning. This was really
odd because I haven’t missed church in a very long time. (My armor was on though and I wasn’t luke-warm
I was hot) and I sounded the alarm. I started speaking in prayer to devil and
praying. Let me just say this. Devil, you are a defeated foe. You are a liar and you have no victory in my
life. Amen
Anyways, I immediately
remembered I had not been obedient in writing that letter and I had not invited
ex-boss/friend to church. I was
like. Crap. Oh, yes.
Right. Obedience. Yes. I
hear you Lord. Okay.
I wrote the letter. The power that rose up in me from writing a
letter to someone who I had been incredible hurt by for over two years ago,
gave me the power to do this next part.
It was the letter to one that led me to start forgiving everywhere. I started on myself next. This crazy faith stuff is real. In faith, I wrote that email to ex/boss. I invited her to church to see Sujo. Let me tell you meanwhile, we had a tornado
come down. My cell phone screen had been
shattered since this weekend and I we lost power. Several times that night. I didn’t have internet so I was really not
sure of the outcome of my email. I
figured it went through but I had no clue if she wrote me back. I get a message on Aaron’s phone from my
online platform that is (BTW booming now; it didn’t shut me down- it
flourished); I get this message that says, (ex-boss/best friend) referred me to you
and said you could help me get this item I need. I almost fell over dead. I suddenly remembered I had written the
email. It was a really long night. We had really bad storms. It was bad. Earthly bad. I checked my email and nothing. There was nothing. The day went by and I somewhat forgot. We got our Christmas stuff out and were
decorating. The day passed. I really did kind of in a way forget to check
my email and the platform page and stuff.
For like an hour. I forgot.
Aaron calls me and he said (he
is so cute); hey, what was the outcome with ex-boss/best friend email? I was like, I don’t know. I don’t think she wrote me back yet. He said, well, I think she wrote you
back. Something about meeting you. I was like. What?
Sure enough. She did.
We did. We met up and we learned
that this whole stinking year. THIS
WHOLE FREAKING year spun out of control by emotions. I learned that I was more wrong than I
thought I was. We learned a lot. I was able to see the situation from
different eyes. I had these new eyes
that allowed me to see that way. These
eyes I learned in this thing, this study.
I went home and went straight
to the word. I started reading. Do you know what the first page I turned to
said? It’s going to blow your mind.
“Now, instead, you ought to
forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive
sorrow. I urge you, therefore to
reaffirm your love for him. The reason I
wrote you you was to see if you would stand the test and be obedient in
everything. If you forgive anyone, I
also will forgive him. And what I have
forgiven—if there is anything to forgive- I have forgiven in the sight of
Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us, for we are NOT
unaware of this schemes.”
(Can I get an AMEN).
I passed the test of obedience. I suddenly remembered the verse Darla had
given to me at the beginning of this course.
When I cried out, why does this hurt so much? Job 23:10; But he knoweth the way that I take: when
he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.
Well, my friends that leads me to the newest collection I am
creating called, crazy faith. I dedicate
this line to my ex-best boss friend lady.
She was not the real enemy. I was
blind. I was lost. I could not see. I did not understand.
I understand now. I am
stepping out. I am taking the lead. I will keep you updated. For now, shape-up, get word-up and prayed
up. The enemy is lurking all around
you. Can you see him?
