The unbreakable warrior

If you are reading this get ready to cry.  You are not only about to hear all the dirty details of my personal life but you are going to hear a story of some crazy faith mixed with amazing grace, shaken by the hands of God and delivered through sanctification.  This is the “good stuff.”  This is my story.  This one right here goes out to everyone who has been lied to and deceived by the evil and un-original, stupid, prince of disaster/darkness, aka- the devil himself.  This is proof that light cannot be overtaken by the darkness.  It’s impossible.  Try it!  Seriously. It can’t. 

About a year ago, we just moved into our dream house (7 bedroom/ 4000 sq. ft. home); like every girl wants this home kind of house with those kind of decorations and fluff.  We had just purchased our third car because it was “good on gas” and I needed it just to drive to Plano.  I mean, in my head we were wealthy enough to pull this off, I mean it will pay for itself anyways, right?  I mean after-all I was spending so much on gas driving my brand new suburban to Plano.  Don’t get me started on the “wear and tear” that this was going to cause.  See, we were set.  I had just received an inheritance from my divorce that was a pretty nice chunk of change that I was able to start a business with.  I did it right, you know, I didn’t just blow it.  I invested it (this is my fleshly and corrupt, thought-process- we will get to this unhealthy process in a minute). Plus, I was working with my best friend and we were going to start a store in Dallas together combining my shop with hers and it was like super good stuff.  I was set (financially) and the family…oh how wonderful this was.  My boyfriend (yes boyfriend, well we weren’t married because…wait for it…well we couldn’t because I was still married).  But…My BOYFRIEND’s ex-wife, the one everyone said was impossible to deal with and like, she crazy, don’t mess with her kind of girl…well we had become friends and I introduced her to my best friend.  She could take pictures and stuff for our new business plan.  She was taking pictures for (boss) and this and that and life was good.  People everywhere be like, “what did you do to (ex-wife)?  She let us talk to the kids at the school program.  I be like, (well I am just that good, in my head). …”I dunno…maybe she just changed…. So, life is good we have it all, and it is Christmas season and we are in the industry that is prime for this time.  (Truly, I was a slave to that and forgot what Christmas was even about.  I got so lost in working I don’t even know if I looked up to notice my kids).  But life was good. Right?  Right?

In January, I was fired by my best friend/boss/business partner whom this name cannot be released yet (she is still writing her story). About this time things were going so good (how many of you know when things are going good the devil be up to some no good)?  If you haven’t learned that yet you are lucky.  Lucky for you to be reading this story so you can expose the enemy when he heads over to yo’ house because he didn’t wreck this house. 

Anyways, back to my story.  So, since we were getting so much money in my settlement and I basically had two jobs and lots of zeros in my bank account we used our credit cards.  Like, a lot.  Like….we wanted to build my credit up by adding my name to all of Aaron’s good credit.  (Poor Aaron)  Like… for real.  We were set, what hurt could it be to use them just a little?  Did you hear the bank say you needed to use all your credit cards because it’s bad to have all that credit and not use it?  Well, I sure heard it.  Add my name to all your credit cards.  Well, like I said we had every cool thing in our house.  Like our kids had so many Christmas presents to open that they got bored opening them.  Like, I still find them in the closet in the boxes and it ticks me off and I throw them away out of rage, and stuff.  Like, that kind of many presents.  When we got done opening presents we are taking them and all their friends to an indoor water park and to east Texas to see a star show.  (For real?  Like you got to see some stars?  No, we didn’t get to see the stupid stars, it snowed and they couldn’t open the telescopes.  But I have the pictures of the trip and it was my step-daughter's dream since like first grade so we are going to do it because we are so well off).  So, we were (at this point) not in debt to the credit cards so much.  We were still able to pay them off each month.  So, like I said we were just building my credit.  But then, I lost my job we had all these bills and I just spent pretty much all of our money on stupid stuff and investing it into my business.  There was hope right?  You have a business.  Just keep up the hard work and work and work and work and work. 

This best friend of mine after she fired me went to the ex-wife and offered to her to continue taking pictures of (step-daughter) and she would pay her and (step-daughter) .  This lit me on fire.  It sent me through the roof.  How dare her?  Ugh!! Not under my watch.  Right!  Pay attention.  Pay attention because this next part is where I gave total control to the devil himself.  If you are a believer you know where I am going with this, if not you just might be after I am finished telling my story.  In the middle of my crisis (…help is on the way? No, stupid, Satan is because you invited him in.  The door was wide open while you were living in sin with your boyfriend, still married, acting a fool with debt, like you didn’t really need to send him an invitation…he was like your right hand in this circus).  In the middle of my crisis I gave in to anger, greed, malice, envy, wrath, doubt, fear…you name it.  I wore it.  I wore it well.  I went to hell and back wearing it with the mark of death on my forehead.  That ex-wife, well she dang sure wasn’t my friend anymore.  Man, everyone was right.  They warned me.  So, I justified most of my circumstances on that and I threw myself a justified & dummy glorified pity party almost every day.  The fear was so immense that I was paralyzed to my house.  I was rejected by (at this time) everyone in Aaron’s family.  They were so mad that he bought a house with me and I was still married.  Seriously, who does that?  They just don’t know how much we love each other.  See, our story is different because we met on POF (Plenty of Fish) and our profiles both said something about God, so we are different and we are like the exception to the rule and that part of the bible didn’t apply to us because we might as well be married anyway. Right?  Right?  Wrong. Anyways, back to my story. 

Meanwhile, back in reality God still had a plan for me.  You couldn’t see it working because I was running (I was a really good runner).  I forgot that on May 6, 2013 I was born again and had been on mission for God.  I had started this ministry that is known today as the “Unbreakable Warrior” it wasn’t anything back then.  Well, it was but I didn’t know it.  I totally forgot that God delivered me and straight up sent me a real life angel.  Like a real one.  The one who I thought was a witch because she told me some really crazy things that really did happen that freaked me out and (God should really caution you before sending a real angel) I seriously thought she was a witch.  I will never forget the day I finally went to her house.  Pay attention.  Pay attention.  This is where I surrendered my life to Christ. 

It was a really dark and gloomy day.  See my husband had been locked up in the mental hospital because he pulled a shot-gun out in front of me and my kids and was going to kill him-self.  That is a whole separate chapter and I am seriously trying to stay focused but it’s very important to know this very critical detail.  So my husband was locked up for trying to kill himself.  The family all blamed me.  After all, I was the one who committed adultery (like the first time…stay with me).  I will never forget the day I had to call his mom.  I was in shambles so afraid to tell her that her son had been addicted to pain pills for 10 years and in the moment I was going to leave him he tried to kill himself…and this is going to sound really crazy because we were the ideal church family.  We were serving in ministry with kids and stuff. We didn’t miss church. Ever. Like we were the cute ones in all the pictures dressed up like superheroes and stuff.  Like, we were for-real Christians.  Our Facebook was the picture-perfect, ideal cute military family out going to church and stuff.  Don’t forget, I WAS the administrator of a really big company and so successful.  Our life is perfect, in the eyes of our parents.  See, we could hide everything from them, everyone really, because we were in the military and we didn’t see anyone too much.  Mainly just on Thanksgiving and Christmas.  As my pastor said once, the CEO holidays, Christmas & Easter only. Except we were different, we went to church faithfully but we only saw family on those holidays. 

So, I call his mom to tell her that her perfect, heroic son was in the mental hospital for almost killing himself.  When the cops came they only found 5 shot-gun shells in the house (We were a family of five).  She says to me, “Of course he did, you cheated on him.”  Actually, truth be told.  I do not remember if it was her or his dad who finally answered the phone but I will never forget what they said that day.  To make that super really long story shorter, I was diagnosed later on with PTSD. 

So back to this very dark and gloomy day… I was alone and dark and crippled by my own poor decisions.  Everything was starting to backfire in my face.  See, the guy I committed adultery with was one of our physicians at this very big administrator, successful job that I was a slave to… while destroying my family and not knowing it.  I invited in Satan (man, pay attention where he shows up).  I was a slave to my career.  I am going to go ahead and spoil this.  Anywhere that you give glory above God to (Idolatry) will be and let me say it ONE more time, “WILL BE TAKEN FROM YOU.”  I was a slave to my job and one night I was tired of being rejected.  It was really my husband’s fault, right?  It really was.  He was the one who was wrong not me.  He was the drug addict.  I was the victim.  Poor me. It was a very hard 7 years being married to a drug addict.  He never wanted to have sex with me because he was always high.  He was killing my joy, stealing my soul, and destroying my life.  (Satan, not my husband… stay focused on the real enemy). 

So this very dark and gloomy day I was about to kill myself.  I knew how to do it right.  I was in the medical field for so long and had so much knowledge.  I was super smart, remember?  This part is really emotional, I am sorry for everyone who has ever suffered through this.  It is a very real problem in our world.  The holy-spirit stopped me.  I was given a vision of my brother in law when he killed himself and how awful it was for his dad to find him.  All I can say is this.  I had enough heart left in me that I did not want my kids to come down-stairs and find their mommy dead after going through watching their father do it and missing from their life right now because he was still in the mental hospital.  I could do it to myself but I couldn’t do it to them. 

I suddenly remembered this crazy lady who had come to me the year before and told me some crazy stuff was going to happen but not to worry because God had sent her to Jacksonville to pray for me.  She would send me random messages at the most inopportune times about wanting to meet me.  Like, the day Adam tried to take his life, she would send messages like, I am praying for you.  For real?  Don’t do that because my life is going to hell in a hand-basket.  Stop praying lady.  Then, I would never even respond because I thought she was weird and this crazy witch lady and why on earth would she be praying for some stranger.  Anyways, she probably was trying to sell me something (Fleshly, thought-process).  Suddenly, I remembered this crazy witch lady.  I seriously had no one. 

Here I am all alone far away from family and far out of touch with reality.  So, out of hopelessness I texted her and asked if we could have lunch.  See, I didn’t know this at the time but God did.  He knew that if he didn’t interject at that moment that the next week when I was fired at my job that I would seriously have taken my life.  I almost did this night.  In that frame of mind fast forward to the next week losing my job and without a doubt, in that mind-frame, I would have done it.  God knew.  He knew right where I was and he was willing to meet me.  Right where I was.  In the bathroom floor with my head buried on the cold, tile floor.  I was laying there about to take my life and God gave me a vision.  A vision of reality.  A vision of what this very thing would do to my kids.  (Not here on earth but for eternity).  So, the next day I called this crazy witch lady.  Get this.  Her house was next door to my office of my job.  (I know right).   

 Anyways, I texted Adam because if some crazy witch lady was going to kill me I wanted someone to know where I was. My text said this.  “Hey, I am meeting up with that really weird witch lady and this is her address in case she kills me.” In my head, she was going to sacrifice me to something.  LOL, anyways, I pull up to her house and it was like an A frame house.  The one that looks like a triangle.  I was like, yep.  She a witch.  I didn’t care though.  I wanted to die so we were all good.  If she did it then it was murder and I wasn’t committing suicide and everyone wins.  (Fleshly, thought-process).  So, I walk in the door and there hung this sign in witch language that said, “Belletores.”  Yep, she a witch.  So, some really weird stuff was on her wall like, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  I will never forget this moment.  It was the most precious moment in my life.

It was, May 6, 2013 at 12:33ish pm.  I sat down at this witch table and started confessing my sins to her.  I was telling this weird stranger everything I had done wrong.  I had no idea why but it felt so good to tell someone how jacked-up I was.  I told her everything.  Like everything.  I was crying and (well pretty much in perfect peace kind of tears though…the kind I get when the holy-spirit comes over me..) telling her this stuff about me.  She looked at me, very calmly and said, “Never again be bound to the yoke of slavery” (Galatians 5:1).  She knew I was coming so she already had this thing printed for me and lunch and everything.  She is my personal angel sent to me from God himself in the middle of complete and total destruction.  He knew I had absolutely nobody in my life that could possible know I was that dark.  He knew that I had shut myself out of the world and completely isolated myself from anything that could detect a bit of darkness in me.  Nobody knew I was this dark.  God knew. He knew that if he didn’t send me a guardian angel I would take my life that week.  He knew the plans that Satan had for me.  He knew that if Satan could convince me to take my life that I would.  I was weak.  God made me new that day.  He poured out mercy on me and it reigned in my life.  He replaced my sorrows with visions of healing those who were struggling with co-dependency and PTSD.  He replaced my dream of being a doctor with a dream of being a doctor of the souls.  He brought me back to life.  This is the day I started living my life again. 

Okay, so fast forward, again.  God had already told me his plan for me.  He gave me these visions of fireflies and confirmed I was to go to Texas.  He told me this was going to be an incredible journey and I would not be overtaken.  He told me that I was free.  I was to go in the world and be a light.  He told me so much.  He gave me the scripture that I use in my business today.  “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.  By faith he made his home in the promise land” (Hebrews 11: 8-9). 

What happened?  I know, right?  Well, I got to Texas and got really confused.  I quit reading my bible and spending time with God.  Those women I was ministering to in Florida were still in Florida.  I was lonely.  I was a single mom living with my mom and I needed someone.  Something.  Stupid.  I started joining these online dating websites like POF and this and that.  I was so desperate for attention.  I was lonely. I met this guy on POF who had this stupid picture (it was really bad) and he said, “I want someone who is going to make me a better person and walk closer to God,” or something.  Something like that.  I was thinking, he must be the one.  He used God in his profile.  We started dating.  The first date should have been a big sign that we were so stupid.  If I had to pick up all the red flags that were thrown at me in the past year there would not be a piece of red cloth left anywhere in the state of Texas.  We moved in together that night. Like, on our first date.  I know right.  We were in love.  How cute.  We were cute.  We had six kids together.  Aww. The Brady Bunch.  How cute.  We bought a house the next month.  We ended up right in the middle of this town that just so happened to be about 35 miles from Denton.  My aunt called me up one day and said, “Hey, we are coming to launch a church and I think it’s pretty close to where you live and we need some help passing out fliers.”  I’m like sure we got lots of hands.  We take up an entire suburban.  Sure.  We can help.  I guess. 

This very weekend was the weekend I got fired.  Happenstance?  I think not.  I remember being so angry with the church and people who were from church because of the pain I was in.  I was down-right mad at Aaron’s church who might as well put a big “A” sign on my forehead.  His, xyz church and family completely judged me.  His family disowned us all together.  We quit going to his church.  His friend was told by his brother at a ball-game when Aaron didn’t come one night that I was married.  It was like our big secret.  Once this xyz church friend found out he made it his mission to throw stones at us.  He should have just sent me straight to hell. I was going there anyway in his eyes.  Do not get me started on Christian people.   So I was so mad at church and this and that and I got fired.  I was so mad at everyone.  My cute and sweet (favorite) aunt wants us to come pass out fliers for a new church.  How convenient.  If she had been any other aunt it would have been a NO.  I just couldn’t tell her no.  We walked around Denton all day.  That night at Mark & Becky Green’s house we realized that we were being called to be part of this amazing church.  I felt the anointing that Pastor Mark had on him the moment he started speaking.  My heart melted.  My pain drifted and my circumstances started to disappear.  We went home that day feeling hopeful.  For the first time in a long time we felt like we could do this thing. 

This is where I am hand delivered into my “promise-land” in the middle of Satan’s attempt to take me out.  I just didn’t know.  I didn’t know that I had arrived because I was held captive to my thought process.  I didn’t know that I hadn’t fully surrendered my life to Christ.  I did though.  I did a long time ago.  Like, a 100 times I did.  I didn’t know anything really.  I hadn’t learned to start living.  I was still making circles (I am really good at this too). 

So meanwhile, back on earth some things are really hitting the fan now with circumstance after circumstance.  Satan knows that if he can keep you in bondage with bitterness and un-forgiveness that he will keep you from flourishing in the house of God.  He cannot have you (if you are saved- we will get to that in a minute) but he can keep you from living a peaceful life here on earth.  Once you accept Christ in your heart as your personal savior you may as well changed that big A to a big X.  Like a target that is glowing, running in circles, and leaving the doors open to attack.  So, we started going to this church and I remembered that vision God had given me about this ministry I was to start.  I knew we needed to get right with everything but you cannot file for divorce until you are a resident in a state for 6 months.  Period.  You really cannot do it legally.  So, here we are trying to live right and get our heaping mess straight.  We seriously thought we were in big trouble.  I knew all the things the bible said about adultery, but remember, I thought I was like exempted or something.  Plus, I was really smart and God knew my heart.  I had the best of intentions so I was good.  Right?  Wrong.  Things started to get worse.  Yes, worse.  The more we tried to get involved with this church and start living right the more chaos raged. 

Things got really bad.

The last time I remember my step daughter coming over to our house was Easter.  My pride and foolish ways of this stupid war with (ex-boss/best friend) and modeling for my business vs. modeling for her business.  I think I said something like, “Get your f…ing kids out of my house.”  Or something like that.  They of course heard this and went home and told there mom. It was actually worse than that.  I left and caused a really big scene.  All because I was so mad.  In fact, the week before I told Madison if she was my daughter I would slap her in the face.  All because she said, we were not her family and she didn’t want to see pictures of me and my kids.  It hurt.  It hurt because we had a bond.  We had become pretty close.  We were actually talking and we were building an eternal relationship.  I got her involved in the church and she got to meet some other girls at church who were speaking life into her.  See, the past October she had some bullying at school that really rocked her.  She opened up to me.  We talked about a lot of things.  We were working through this yucky stuff.  I mentioned this at the time to my boss/best friend how much I wanted to build Maddy up, and boss/friend said, yeah we are going to make her famous. We got ex-wife to take the pictures because she was a photographer.  I introduced them.  I started it.  This had gotten really out of hand though.  I took the purpose of the pictures and made it about me.  I was offended.  I was mad.  I was angry.  How dare her take pictures for ex-boss now, after all of this.  I put her in the middle of my problems. How dare her do this very thing.  I was so hurt by this.  I used this very painful thing to justify my comments and anger and rage towards her.  It was not my fault.  I was the victim (fleshly thought process).  I said things that were condescending and superficial without a meaning.  I was really a big disaster.  Never once did I stop and think about how much I hurt her. It was all about poor me.

A conversation at school brought to light a very real and big, hard part of my story.  This moment is when I started fighting for eternal problems.  Our dear and sweet boy, “my bug” came and told us he wanted to be a girl.  He was convinced that he was supposed to be a girl.  This one really freaked me out.  We started preaching to him.  We started reading the bible to him.  We shared every single scripture with him about what the bible says about this.  I am not ashamed that we did that.  I think we could have handled it differently but I will not say that I regret doing that.  In our attempt to preach to my “bug” we realized it was very difficult to witness to him while we were like the main issue in the bible saying do not do this.  We were living in adultery.  Do you know how hard it is to witness to someone while you are wrapped up in sin?  You can’t.  Not really.  You may a little bit there is hope.  Anyways, we decided that we were drawing a line in the sand.  We confessed our sins, we made things right.  Aaron was going to go live with his mom until we got married so we could be holy and you know…not live in sin.  It was super hard anyways to process this idea so actually going through with is was even worse.  We did though. He went to his mom’s house.  The next day she asked him why he had to stay with her and I got to live in the house he paid for.  It broke us.  I was so hurt.  I was so angry.  We attempted to do it.  That day, for some really weird and strange reason my “bug” wanted to come over.  We had been pouring out these scriptures to him and none of the kids wanted to come over anymore.  We were, desperate.  We didn’t know what to do so in our attempt to control the hour long phone conversations with positive and truth, we started speaking God’s word from our end of the phone.  While we were incredibly attacked, those kids were listening.  I don’t care what anyone says.  They were listening.  We were sowing seeds.  We were sowing.  We were sowing in the middle of the desert drought.  We sowed anyways, despite the circumstances.  

We sowed.

So when I say for some strange reason my “bug” wanted to come over it’s because at this time they wanted nothing to do with us.  He was the only one who came that day.  I was so angry and in pain that I was going to pack my bags and leave if Aaron brought him in our home.  I didn’t want to deal with the pain.  I was hurting.  I was hurting mentally, emotionally, physically, and I was so broken.  I was sitting in the bath tub and God just laid it on my heart.  Boldly.  How many of you know when you hear from God it’s almost like he is standing there in your face.  He was.  He told me that day it wasn’t about me.  Thankfully, Aaron didn’t listen to me and he brought my “bug” over anyways and this all happened so fast.  My change of heart.  Like one minute I was packing my bag and the next I made it my personal mission to speak life into my “bug.” I said to him this.  I think this is the day God won his heart.  It was really God, not me.  I didn’t say it.  I was just being obedient because I had just heard from God.  I said, “If you deny me here on earth, I will deny you in front of my father in heaven.”  I said a bunch of other scriptures but that one captured his heart.  He hung on to that verse and he remembered it.   He never forgot it.  He drew a line in the sand that day. 

We had Mark and Becky come bless our home and we poured our hearts out to them.  I thought we were too late.  I thought we had really messed things up.  I will never forget what Mark said.  He said to us, “it’s never too late.”  We drew a line in the sand with our church home that day.  For eternity.

I went to a women’s retreat that was placed in my life at the right time, the right season.  It was a gift from God.  My sweet and favorite aunt called me up again.  She said hey, I am doing this retreat and I am actually working it.  Your aunt Loretta is coming you two can ride together.  I knew the battle I was facing in my home-front was too big for me.  I knew even superman couldn’t help me.  I knew I needed God but I didn’t know how bad I needed God.  It changed my life.  Forever.  I will forever be grateful to His Heart’s Desire Ministries.  It brought me back to life.  It changed me from the inside out.  It was like CPR for the walking dead. I had just received a letter from ex-boss’ attorney that I was infringing copyright laws.  The letter said I could be sued for $150,000.00 for every single account of copyright infringement.

This battle was not mine but it was God’s.  I took everything to the cross that day.  I declared war on Satan and didn’t even know it.  I didn’t even know it at the time but even then I was free.  I didn’t even recognize it then.  I am able to look back now and say, wow!  What amazing grace God pours out on his children, and how amazing are his kisses.  I was so caught up in my own problems there that I didn’t even noticed I was ministering to other women there.  I was there for one purpose.  God had me there for so much more.  Can I just say that my aunt B is a saint and she has many rubies on her crown? 

She accidentally locked me out of the retreat.  She didn’t know that I had went out to the chapel to pray.  Supernaturally funny, my aunt who passed away had done the same thing when she went the year before and actually slept in that chapel.  It was really funny.  So during this time, I got to spend more time with God.  Happenstance?  Doubtful.  I poured it all out in that little tiny country church chapel.  Just me and God.  He told me I was a warrior.  I didn’t believe him of course.  The next weekend “my bug” came over and told us he didn’t want to be a girl anymore. 

We knew our battle was just getting started. I knew I was going to war when God told me I was a warrior.  Why else would he call me that? Things started to fall apart in my little eyes (fleshly problem).  I forgot that that weekend at the retreat God gave me a vision of my “bug” and his brother sitting at the feet of Jesus.  I knew we were going to make it.  I just didn’t expect it to take as long as it did. 

Then it happened.  My best friend since 7^th grade took her life.  This was stunningly hard for me to accept.  I am not sure if it’s because we never got a chance to kindle our friendship or the simple fact that I did not know how bad she was hurting.  Either way, it rocked my world and grieved my soul. We weren’t like the friends that you only hung out with a little.  We were the “ride or die” girls.  We made so many memories.  I will cherish them forever.  I wish I had been there for her.  I wished I had known.  I had been in the place where I had been hurting and nobody knew.  The fact that she was hurting and I wasn’t there for her is what hurt the most.  I would have been there.  I really would have.  I want you to pay attention to the next part of my story.  This is where the enemy got down right personal in trying to take me out. 

The next week I received messages from three different of Madison’s friends that she was going to go home that night and commit suicide.  Remember, Maddy hadn’t been to our house since Easter.  We did not know the mental status of her.  I do remember the nights we talked and she shared with me some pain that was going on at home.  I remembered the day I started praying for her.  I felt my legs fall out from beneath me.  I couldn’t even get my clothes on and out the door.  I remember calling Aaron and telling him this.  Why me?  Why did they text me?  They could have told her mom.  They could have told her dad.  They, yes…three of them texted me the similar message.  I should have seen the enemy here but I didn’t.  I missed it again

We got the boys for the summer and went to Arkansas for a family reunion.  Things had really escalated with the ex and her taking the idea of my “bug” wanting to be a girl.  The problems were still there and they did not go away. I got weary.  I got out of the word.  I got busy.  It was summer and we had things to do.  We didn’t have time for church.  We were really busy.  While I was there I got an email from my attorney involving the 150,000 lawsuit and I was so tired of this battle.  I was so tired of this war.  It was exhausting.  I knew she was on mission to shut my business down.  I didn’t know she could really do it.  She almost did.  I will never forget that day. Half-truths. I had to spend more money defending that deal and it was really piling up.  Debt. Problems. Life. Circumstances. Issues. I wanted to run away and move to Arkansas.  This was going to solve every single problem I had.  All of them.  I wouldn’t have to deal with the ex.  We would only have to do that every once in a while.  We would be free to live.  I found a house there and everything.  We were seriously going to move.  Aaron couldn’t though because…

Suddenly, our circumstance got bigger.  We ended up in court fighting for custody.  We protected.  We defended.  We went to court and not only did we lose that battle we actually lost time with them.  Yep.  I know right.  Satan really turned up the heat for us.  We had to sell the truck and car, we moved from our dream house.  At this same time our other two rent houses turned over.  One skipped rent and the other needed new carpet.  We were in so much debt.  We had just moved.  We were in so much debt.  This was a mile marker for me though.  I stayed.  I endured.  I am surviving.  I am making it… I thought.  I was being stretched.  I was so very confused and very lost.  I was doubting everything.  I lost trust in everyone.  I started to really isolate myself again. 

I had just started going back to church because it was finally convenient for me.  Pastor Mark started this series about being planted.  I was like, seriously?  Okay. I have got to hear more about this because I just wanted to run away to Arkansas.  Happenstance?  Doubt it.  It is not by chance that you are in church and you hear a message that penetrates the heart.  Things were really starting to get depressing.  Debt.  Lots of that and we had just had court again.  Still not looking good for us.  Our problems were still there.  Then, out of nowhere this angel friend of mine….yes, the one God sent me.  Funny, I know.  She sends me a text that she needed to hear my voice.  I sometimes thinks she thinks I am a robot.  (Fleshly thought process).  Wrong.  She knows if she can get me on the phone I will “hear” her.  With the good ears.  Not the reading words kind of ears.  The spiritual ears.  She told me to just be the light.  She said that naturally, things will be attracted to the light.  That’s it.  That is pretty much all she said.  Not too much information.  Very broad.  Very bold.  Very God.  He does that to me.  A lot.  Before she hung up she told me I needed to see this movie, “War Room” that it would change the ball-game for me.  That I would look at things different.  I was like when was it made?  She wasn’t the type of person to go out to the movies so I had no idea it was a new movie, much less the number one in America.  I was disconnected from the world.

I always forget things.  Circles.  Lots of circles.  Right after we were defeated in court we finally got married.  Through the craziness of how things went down, I didn’t call my mom and tell her.  I know. It was so obvious.  Everyone who knew us knew we were going to.  How did she forget?  Man, you must love social media.  My mom found out through a status that I had changed my “status.” She was hurt.  I had, in my attempt to shine through the storm… planned a little gathering for Labor Day.  We had just moved into our new house on the lake.  Coolness.  Our dear neighbor was like Jesus in disguise to us.  I hope he gets to read this one day.  He was such a blessing.  He let me borrow his lawn mower faithfully.  I faithfully broke it every single time.  It was cursed or something.  Seriously.  Every single time I used it something bizarre happened.  So, he let me use his jet skis this very weekend and we had planned this big meal.  I didn’t break them.  LOL  I had invited Adam and his girlfriend and her kids over and it was happily.  But then, the status really ticked my mom off and she was all part of this happily, planned event.  She said she was offended by my new “update” and wasn’t coming.  In my selfish ways, I really hurt her and Adam.  

The depression was setting in.  I was really hurting.  I had forgotten every promise God had made to me.  That night Aaron got called into work.  I was all alone again.  Me.  My thoughts.  My brokenness and just down-right broken.  Nasty.  Hurt.  Defeated.  I knew that I needed to reach out to my soul friends.  I knew that I needed someone to just be.  Someone who wouldn’t judge me.  I called up the worship leader from church.  (See, I am learning)  She didn’t know this then but I was having really irrational thoughts.  The same kind of thoughts that led me to a path of destruction in Florida.  She answered.  She came.  She came over and had dinner with me.  She listened.  She was obedient.  She was just a beacon of light in the right place of darkness that pushed enough out of the way that lead me home to Jesus.  She didn’t do anything incredible.  She was available.  We ate the food I had prepared for my family and then we went and rode jet-skis.  Nothing supernatural.  Just had fun.  That’s it.  She was there for me. 

There was this house warming event planned for this sweet friend who had been there for me.  I honestly do not know I would have gone if it wasn’t for her.  Not that I love her more or less than anyone else in my God family, but because this is God, he is magnificent.  He just happened to use her that day.  I love all my warriors the same.  We all have a spotlight in God’s kingdom.  She just happened to be the one out on warfront that day who led me in, that day.  Worship leader.  Go figure (BTW Learning how we are all important to playing our part is critical in spiritual warfare).

I show up to this house warming party a dreadful mess.  Our renters had destroyed one of our rent houses.  I was burnt out.  I had been painting all night the night before.  I was really a mess.  I think I even had paint on me.  Anyways, God showed up.  I remember nothing getting in my way that day.  I remember on the way there being led by the holy-spirit.  I still remember every word the enemy spoke to me to try and keep me from going.  I also heard God above all saying, not this one.  This one’s mine.  I felt like I was running right into his arms.  I knew I was going there to be restored.  I just felt it. I cried the whole way there.  God had perfectly ordained the whole weekend to make it completely possible for me to go.  I knew something incredible was going to happen.  I forgot though.  When I got there it was so amazing.  Then, Becky started sharing week one from this bible study they had been doing.  She was speaking to me. God was speaking to me.  After she finished, she looked at the women in the room.  She said, “I don’t want wimpy women in our church.” If you need prayer we want to pray with you and be there for you because I refuse to let the enemy have any of my women (I know right).  Get your tissues ready because this is where God completely and flawlessly, defeated Satan’s voice in my head. 

(This is when you know you are around some down-right, prayer warriors that hear from God)

I forget the warrior that put me on that chair.  It was all so fast and supernatural.  It was like my spirit leading my flesh.  I wasn’t getting out of this one.  She said, “I feel like we are supposed to make a circle around you like a wall. 

I sat on this chair and they made a circle around me.  They started praying.  What was supposed to be a house-warming party for Cara was really a house-warming party for Jesus to take back the throne in my heart.  They sealed it.  It was done.  I was restored and ready for war.  I remember opening up to them about how Satan was stealing my heart.  I remember crying out, why does this hurt so much.  Darla, my sweet Darla.  She said this “God is allowing these circumstances in your life because you are being refined like gold.” Then they invited me to do this really incredible bible story about this girl who was in the movie, “War Room.”  I was like…shut the front door.  The what?  What is this?  My angel told me about this movie but I hadn’t had a chance to go see it.  What?  I was feeling all the supernatural things God was trying to show me.  Me and Luci went and saw it.  That night.  My angel was right.  It set things in motion.  It changed the ball-game.  It changed my perspective.  Sunday, at church Darla said she had a dream of me wearing armor, like a warrior.  (In my head, I’m remembering God telling me I was a warrior).  I am starting to remember.  Still didn’t know what this bible study was about but I was in.  I was going.  I knew God had his hands all up in it.  I was sold. They warned me though.  They said, if you are going to do it.  You need to make a commitment right now.  Because this one….well, it’s going to sound an alarm to Satan.  You are going to be his target.  So make a commitment right now.  You are either going to give your word you won’t miss a session or you don’t come at all.  I made the commitment and sealed the deal.  Still didn’t know the name of the book but I was in.  Saw the movie but clueless about the study was on.  I know. 

I didn’t get my book until the day before.  I was already behind because I missed the very first session because it happened before I was restored.  So I had some catching up to do.  There is a calling on Priscilla Shirer.  The book study is called, “The Armor of God.”

I had to pause here because I am completely overwhelmed by the amount of peace this has brought to me.  The places this led me.  The darkest parts of my life.  The very thing that was going to destroy me was all brought together in this perfect storm.  God used this to heal me.  Not just heal me.  Make me brand new.  I learned how to fight.  I learned to surrender.  I learned we do not fight against flesh and blood but rulers of this world and evil in heavenly places.  I learned that these circumstances were designed to take me out and hand-crafted; personalized attacks. Can I just tell you there is freedom in surrender?  Let me fast forward to now.  I am almost finished with the study.  We are still working.  However, my revelation happened this week and that is monumental.  So much good has happened during the course of this.  So much that I just want to get right to the biggest thing that is going to blow your socks off.

Tissues.

I learned how to pray for my enemies.  I learned that they were not the enemy but just being used by the enemy.  I learned that I needed to pray blessings upon blessings and pray for their salvation.  I learned that God loves all his children.  Lost or Found.  He loves them all.  He wants them all.  He wants them all to live in his blessings.  Even through the trials of this life.  So over the past 10 weeks I have learned how to pray over everything.  I have prayed things into existence.  I have learned to count my answered prayers.  Even the little ones.  I write them down and when I am feeling defeated I start reading them out-loud.  I have learned my strategy to fight the devil.