Effective communication is taught at every level and reciprocated by business admins, professors, wives to husbands, mothers to their children and friends throughout the day. I might question though what good is communication without the proper content of the message? I found myself thinking about this while running today after an incredible moment with God pouring his love down on me. I have been walking through some stuff and giving up some bad habits that led to this glorious message. I pray that I am able to communicate effectively what has been poured out to me.
When you encounter kisses from our heavenly Father, your whole world changes instantly. Whatever you are doing is magnified. Your persona, your demeanor & tone. Without any notice you begin to wear a radical, vibrant & earth shattering glow the moment this happens that cripples any sight of fear or depression lingering nearby. For me it was easy I was walking on the treadmill and literally felt like I could run a marathon. I began praying for those around me whom I do not know or have even spoke a word to. I became this beacon of love pouring out like a waterfall. In the middle of praying for those around me I knew immediately what their needs where as I felt my prayers become more specific to each individual. Then it hit me. This heart that is understanding. Compassion. Love. Grace. Mercy. I felt it all at once and how bittersweet it was.
Our circumstance or whatever problems being thrown our way hadn't changed. That isn't what led to this moment. It was the perseverance to run with endurance the race set before me (Hebrews 12:1), I believe that led me to this moment.
My father to this day is a drug addict. He has been my whole life. He has many runs of being clean but it seems like lately I find it harder and harder to forgive him. I remember things no child should ever. My pain is real but to understand addiction is not so simple.
Sometimes, I think we are allowed to walk in certain things to better understand. I am not suggesting that God allowed this instance to happen because it was my own problem that crumbled. The only difference was I had eyes to see a message out of it and a heart to understand why my father is the way he is.
It has been two weeks since my aunt called me up and asked me if I would do this diet with her. It has been a wild ride for sure but super challenging as well. I had gained 50 pounds in the first 6 months with Aaron and to be honest I just didn't know how to stop drinking sodas. So the night before I just flawlessly ate pizza like it was paleo. I know it wasn't but man it was so good. At least for the moment. For a little bit I felt amazing. I was like man...this is food.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Man. I really let aunt B down. I felt like such a failure. The twisted tought process that comes with a relapse is so real and overbearring that I understand how people get stuck there.
I did too. I was convinced that I had destroyed all the hard work we had done. I immediately got on the scale to weigh out the bad decision.
The problem is that I was so focused on "failing" and letting her down that I didn't think I could recover. I was stuck in the thought process. I realized in this moment the way my father must feel when he relapses. What a failure he must feel like. How hard it is for him to face the world now. How do you get back to feeling alive. Not feeling guilty or condemned. The struggle is all mental. I believe that relapse is the first step to spinning out of control. That one slice of pizza (due to guilt) has now turned into a slice of pizza, dr. pepper and much more. I didn't think I could get back on track. I thought I was done dieting. I didn't think I could get back on the saddle. My husband was like, man you don't just fall off you jump off and run. It's true. I mess up big and then the mentality is shot. How do you go on again? How do you forgive yourself from that one bad decision and keep trucking?
The next morning I started my day in prayer. It amazed me how forgiving and gracious God was to me over the whole situation. Then, when I went to the gym and had this complete breakthrough I was thinking, WOW! This must be how it feels to try and pick yourself up off the floor. It was in that moment of great revelation that mercy is new everyday. Each day we are made brand new and do not let yesterday get in the way of today. Today, I am free. Today, I am new. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet. Live for today.
Love,
Stephanie
To see items reflecting this moment:
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